Pieces of the Puzzle

For a 5 year old, I was very ambitious. Wanted the same kinda fringe Kay had. How some of her hair covers her forehead and makes her look so cute. Wanted the same damn thing. Told mom, she would hear none of it. So when they had left me alone at home to go shopping, I brought a chunk of hair to the front of my face and cut it. Chopity chop!

For a 5 year old, I had pretty good skill-set with the scissors (maybe my future career). Loved the new hair cut, flaunted around the mirror for half an hour. Was so proud of myself. All the first graders would love it, but somehow I didn’t think my mom would.

For a 5 year old, I was quite an obedient parent fearing child. Something had to be done before they came home. Had to get rid of this fringe before she got rid of me. I had enough hair in the back, what could go wrong. She’ll never know. Hehehe *a snicker at the thought of a dumb mom*. I, being very good with the scissors now, cut the whole thing (little by little) till I thought I had gotten rid of it.

For a 5 year old, I had the brains of a jackass. Now there was a huge patch of really short stubbly hair at the front & long hair at the back.. like a south Indian temple priest.

Rest is history! I had to sport the sexy Vin Diesel look for a while…which felt like eternity!

My friend who is a nurse at a local hospital shares this amazing story. This man comes to see the doctor. He won’t sit down, was quite uncomfortable even standing up. On further investigation, it was discovered that he had a Barbie doll shoved up his ..er.. ass!!! Now poor Barbie wasn’t in a position to come out, even if she desperately wanted to. Her hands were stuck inside the hallowed portals.

Baldy and girl friend, who is also bald, are eloping. Their love story is irrelevant. What’s more crucial is that the girl friend is pregnant – with Baldy’s kids. They have to marry before society starts pointing feathers at them. They reach the Garuda temple, panting and puffing and tie the knot.

Ecstatic and anxious, they now want to settle down somewhere far from flocking relatives. They reach the vast plains near Peoria, Illinois. Beautiful country side, not a soul in site. Baldy finds a lovely spot for their abode, an overhang from a tall cliff. Mrs. Baldy is not too pleased. She says she might get vertigo, especially now that she is expectant. "Don’t be silly, darling", says Baldy, "You are an eagle!!" Saying thus, Baldy spreads his mighty wings and soars to the top of the cliff. His bride follows him. They build a nest, lay eggs, hatch them, hunt for rats (in that precise order).

They live in marital bliss.

Corporate setting. In a conference room, five human beings are huddled over long drawing sheets. Indignant Environmentalist, Smug Environmentalist Chela, Irritated Client, Exasperated Boss & Shocked me.

There was no other way. Now the road alignment will have to take a deviation and these plans will have to change. Geometry, profile, cross-sections.. everything! 2 months of hard work.. gone!

Me (stifling a sob): What?? But Why??

Boss: Because we have impacted someone’s property. We are within one mile radius.

Me: Whose? Hugh Hefner’s?

Envo: No! Baldy’s.

Chela: Yes miss.. Baldy and family just moved in.

Client: (Worried) Oh no! No sue woo! You guys- you consultants! Do the necessary changes. We need this in a month OK.

Boss: Sure sure Mr. IC! We’ll take care of it. No problem. Eagles have rights, especially the bald ones. American symbol and all. Alpha and team will work on changing the geometry etc., don’t worry. And um er.. supplementary costs?

One week later, in Baldy’s nest. Mrs. Baldy, plucking her feathers looks coyly at her husband, "Kids are getting bigger & balder, I think we should move soon, dear."

"Sure sexy, in 3 weeks."

This is based on a true story. Alpha is working hard unaware of Baldy’s devious plans.

My life is well chronicled. Sometime in the future, some 9000 years later, somebody will excavate the earth and find the yahoo servers... like the rosetta stone. They will run some fancy algorithm on the data and figure out that ancient Alpha people took a lot of pictures with the advent of the digital camera and shared it liberally among others in the civilization.

Major uproar and excitement. Museums will compete for these photographs. Leorama da Macha will take a liking to me. He will paint my picture and become famous. The painting, Alphalisa, will capture millions of hearts. I will become a household name. Soon there will be bathroom curtains, dustbins, chaddis and even dildos which would bear my face.

*Shudder* Somehow the story lost its track somewhere!

Ahh! The curses of a weekend. Entertaining outta-town guests, compulsory sight-seeing for the nth time, bar-hoping, getting sloshed and migraines, watching a Tamil movie and soulful regrets, eating crap and stomach upsets.

My weekends have always been busier than my weekdays as far as I can remember. I correct myself- since the time I moved to Chicago. Hubby and I have been hosting guests every weekend. Friends, friend’s friends, friends wives, friend’s dads, not-so-friends, out-of-blue-friends, long lost friends. Its not even funny anymore.

Where were all these people when I lived in Gainesville? Did they not like me then? I figured, it’s the place and not me. Chicago being the big ass city. People of all kinds- some come for conferences, some come for orientations, some for sightseeing, some on a layover, a teeny few come actually to see me and then of course while they are at it, why not check out the city?! They better start giving me discounts at the Sears observatory deck, the Signature Lounge at the 95^th floor of Hancock, the blues bars, museums (yeesh!), boat rides…

We’ve have had our share of really cool people and extremely quirky ones. Here’s a short list of Weird Guests we’ve had in the past.

Gropy Despo: Brings a white-trash girl friend who is twice his size. Tattoos & piercing covering every inch of exposed body parts. She has many dads, moms and siblings she hasn’t met. One brother in jail and she thinks he is better off there as he gets food. GD and this ‘creature’ make out on our couch!

The Uncivilized: Never met him before. Happens to ‘know’ a person we ‘know’. Sings hideously all the time. Washes his undies and asks me to fold them when they dry up. Probably must thank God I didn’t have to wash them.

Exterminator: Pours coffee on our couch (yeah the same one) and breaks our closet door (wonder what he wanted from the closet). Also detaches a tile from kitchen floor and kills the microwave.

The Picky Devourer: Orders breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner (obv. Not from outside). Has very specific preferences. Is allergic to most food. Is a Pepsi person and cannot have the Coke I bought.

Over Enthusiastic Tourist: Keeps an alarm set to 5 am. Has come armed with an agenda for the day that covers stuff I would do in a year. Doesn’t feel too bad to wake up the hosts. Forget breakfast.. forget bath.. just drive me to this museum.. Quick!

We are booked till October 24^th. The only times we don’t have guests is when we leave the city on vacation.

I miss the weekends I used to know. I miss lounging out in the couch - doing nothing.  And yeah, I disinfected the couch.

Sorry Guys- Nothing to do with cricket!

Heretic inspired me to write this one (see previous post comments box). Women can get away with batting their eyes. You know Heretic, I really wish I could. Life would have been so simple. Call it pride, call it chicken. I can not get myself to ask a guy for a favor (using eyelashes at least). To top it all, I am endowed with lustrous eyelashes! Ha! I guess God intended me to lead a better life.

I remember this incident in high school. I go up to this guy Karthik (a common guy with a common name) and ask him to lend me his notes.

"Hey, Gimme your notes da!"

He refused point blank. I coaxed him a bit in the most un-girly annoying way. "What’s your problem, I’ll give it back to you in a minute!" Our protagonist wasn’t budging the least.

My friend Priya who witnessed this gave me a crash course on dealing with guys. "Boosting of the Fragile Male Ego" it was called. Armed with this new found knowledge, I glided to Karthik, smiled coyly, complimented his dumb Frenchie, said sorry for previous behavior, asked him for the notes with the sweetest- most musical voice I could muster. I hate to confess, I did some batting of eyelashes too. There were the notes- right on my lap with his phone number!

What a sucker!

You would think, I learnt my lesson. That my glorious days of male-slaves had begun. But no! I just watched helplessly as the other girls were getting their way. Exasperated at my own righteousness.

I still cant do it without feeling like shit.

Got a call from my buddy Ums. When I saw his caller ID, I knew he had heard. Shucks! He was calling to discuss my court hearing which is scheduled for next month. Sadistically he laughed "Ho ho ho! You criminal! How could you do that? Compared to you, I’m just a petty thief -Ha ha!" Ums and I have a history of getting into trouble. So we exchange notes to figure out who is better off. To my credit, I have been caught only(?) thrice and been sent to appeal in front of the judge every single time. Ums has gotten away with fines, well, a zillion times!

By now, me and judgy were on first-name basis. Only if my parents knew, their dear daughter was caught in court-kuchery! Family name mingled in mud and stuff! Brrr… I shudder to imagine.

This time the cop had been very brutal. He told me my crime was close to murder!!! MURDER!??!!

Story unfolds- Early morning, I drove out of my parking lot feeling slightly out-of-it (like every early morning). There, in front of me was a school bus, yellow and bright. It didn’t register. Popping out of the school bus were stop signs, 2 of them. Red and brighter. It didn’t register. Behind the bus, was a cop car obeying rules. It didn’t register. What the heck is this dumb cop doing in the middle of the road stopping like this? Passed the car. Passed the bus. In oblivion.

Zapped out of my reverie. Instantly I knew, I had made a mistake. That too right under his nose! Too late! Vaoooown- Vaooown !! Vaooown -Vaooown (Repeat)!! Blue and red lights whirling. I knew it! I had read it in the book. Loading school bus- no overtaking! It all came to me.. maybe even the page number.

He had no mercy. Slapped a 250 buck(!) ticket, took my license and told me to go to traffic court. All this in front of 40 school kids jeering.

"What the heck is wrong with school children in this country? Cant they cross the road with cars moving by -like we did in India? What’s this gotto do with murder, you moronic officer? I didn’t intend on running over on them? There wasn’t a kid in sight when I passed! Isn't 250 a lot, u thief??!"

I said none of this. Didn’t even show a finger at the annoying kids. Just took the ticket and drove to office wondering how they gave me the license in the first place.

Background- My oil-painting class has been quite a time pass. Painting oranges and grapes in color, oranges and grapes in black & white, oranges and grapes in brown & yellow… I understand the idea of making us proficient in interpreting color schemes, but to tell you the truth… I had developed an allergy to the above mentioned fruits. I can paint oranges in my sleep, still have difficulties with the grapes though. So when our instructor announced that we would be having a live model for the next class (that was yesterday), I imagined a woman/man wearing a grape costume. At least they wont be sitting lifeless on a table.

Yesterday’s class, 7 pm- ‘He- the model’ was there. No grape costume. Actually no costume!! Raised my left eyebrow. Hadn’t been warned. Looked around to catch other student’s eyes. Giving suppressed looks. Everyone acting mature. Setting up their easels like there were fruits in front of them. I did the same. Trying not to look stupid. Never been in the same room with a naked stranger. Mind you, I am not complaining. Just a little taken aback. Gained internal composure in 2 minutes. Looked more closely. Hey, I have to paint him dammit! One has to look. It was all there, fresh to be painted. Boy! that’s the biggest.. er.. equipment I ever saw. How does he carry them around? ‘He- the model’ didn’t seem half as flustered. Now if the women out there think I saw George Clooney nude, let me describe this ‘He- the model’. Flabby and greying. Wondered if they got him cheap.

Anyway, the instructor gave pointers (literally pointing to his manhood) on how to paint the shadows and shapes (as he decently put it). I was asked to get a closer look as I wasn’t getting it right. Why do men have complicated body parts?! It was a little embarrassing. I hoped ‘He- the model’ wouldn’t want to see his portrait. He might have been insulted as I placed his leg in such a way the it would cover the essential parts. That saved me a lot of paint, effort and dignity.

3 lessons learnt-

1. I don’t think I can become a nude painter. You know what I mean.
2. I prefer nude females to males. No, you don’t know what I mean. I just feel women have a better body, kinda pleasing to the eye. Nude women are such a turn on.
3. I still don’t wanna paint oranges and grapes for a while.