Pieces of the Puzzle

If I hadn’t I chanced upon Madhu’s site and drooled over the picture of Tao Hoo Pad Bai Kaprao, I would have mistaken it for another swear word the Vietnamese pedicurist uses on me. That’s a whole different story. Someday.

Frankly I have never ever used basil leaves or white pepper or for that matter shallots in cooking before, but hey! Recipe is the bible and Madman (No, I didn’t just abuse him- He calls himself that) is God. You kinda trust a guy who owns a restaurant. Never question a dentist when he is drilling your tooth (the fact that you can’t speak at that time has nothing to do with my theory).

‘I hope you make more of this dish’, said Pi when he looked at the bill that included the Wok, the big dabba of white pepper and half a gallon of peanut oil. He hadn’t even tasted it yet and I could already see positive vibes.. Aha! I combed the whole town to get the freaking shallots. I distinctly remember what shallots are… they are dry fruits inside shells. Forget I even mentioned that, coz when I did find the shallots- they were nothing but miniature onions!! Jeez Madhu, why the hell couldn’t I use plain ol onions? I wouldn’t have minded discarding ¾ of a large onion if need be.

Armed with everything other than light soy sauce (here, I become a little adventurous and wild- I use dark soy sauce instead), I start my project only to realize it's easier than I thought. The hunting is the more difficult part, the wise one had once said. I am already in the last step even before I started. I hope this still qualifies for an exotic dish. Now I get slightly worried, but I decide not to share the recipe with anyone. I’ll just say, it's too difficult to explain. Problem solved. Unperturbed, I throw in the basil leaves and I pick up my novel while I wait for it to wilt. It takes 5 seconds… never mind! Needless to say, it was a howling success and I can only hope and pray that Madhu will help me to finish the white pepper… or else its going to be Tao Hoo Pad Bai Kaprao for every meal without Tofu & Basil (both being shit expensive!).... with idli on the side.

I am thankful for Lovely Bones. Alice Seabold is a very charming writer and has done a wonderful job in expressing human emotions through her characters that come to life almost instantly. She aims to shock at the same time relate. The book definitely kept me away from everything else I had planned for that Sunday. I had to know if they found Susie’s killer. Don’t worry people, I haven’t killed any suspense of the book. The book itself starts with Susie telling us, "I was fourteen when I was murdered on ….." It made me sit upright till I finished what Susie had to say from her heaven. Susie Salmon was brutally raped and murdered and was the last victim of a serial killer. Seabold leaves out the graphic and sordid details. She doesn’t make you sick with grief, but rather she makes you want to reach out to her family members who try to pick up the pieces of their lives after her death.

The story is from the perspective of the little girl, Susie, who cannot let go of her life even though her niche in heaven is all she wanted during her stay on earth. She has Vogue and Glamour as textbooks and in her school in heaven and the boys don’t pinch her butt. But she longs for her family and wants to kiss Ray Singh again. Her soul wanders around watching her distraught dad desperate to find her killer. She envies her sister, Lindsey, for leading a life she never could, but is proud of her fortitude. Susie helplessly looks on as her mother drifts away from the family, unable to cope with the tragedy. Her kid brother, Buckley, will never understand why there is a void in his life.

The most touching moments are when the father remembers the time he spent with his daughter building little sail ships inside the bottle. Susie was his only child who loved his crazy hobby. You cannot help, but cry for the mother who is fighting to find her real identity and in the process hurts herself even more. Susie wants her family to move on and stop crying over her, but as times goes she yearns for the mention of her name every now and then. Its not a very easy thing to let go and move on.

It is a sad and depressing book, I agree.. but it is emboldening and very real, the recounting filled with innocence… the voice of a child. Lovely Bones is a book that is compelling, spooky, heartbreaking, sometimes funny and definitely worth it. I am a sucker to good endings and I feel Alice Seabold has done justice to it…unlike my recent reads, Da Vinci Code or The Namesake (both recommended).

Never done a book review before. I give a book to Patrix and let him do it. I have always wanted to tell you all about this book and Toinks just instigated me.

I am lucky to be still employed in spite of some people’s repeated efforts to frame me and get me kicked out.

Today’s day at work. I check my hotmail (where I get only junk), 2 yahoo ids (make that 3), one gmail (only Smiley and Lee write to me there), one angelfire (from which they deleted all my mails), one more yahoo id (to threaten unsuspecting souls under fake name) and my office mail. So, here I am minding my own business unmindful of my boss telling me to work and shit like that when I get the melodious ‘ting’ noise. Excited as hell, I know it’s an email that too not an official one. Gosh! What a productive day! I open it with all ebbing enthusiasm the four soft walls of my cube will allow. I even manage to muffle a rapturous laugh.

The email is from my friend. It’s a forward. So I yawn and curse him a little in very mild language. But I am courteous and curious, so I still open it to see to what level he can actually stoop. I want to know what disease I'd be affected with when I ignore this mail so that I can alert my medical insurance. I’ve already stocked medicines for astigmatism, gingivitis, african bora bora and just in case, I've also purchased an extra kidney in black.

So I click to this link. I have to spot 10 differences in the two similar pictures. My friend claimed to have spotted only 7. This is so very Champak! What next, I thought, join the dots to form a Donald Duck? Jeez, how juvenile! But like I mentioned, I am courteous and bored, so I decide to take up the challenge. There is sweet sober music that actually makes me sleepy.

Immediately I go to get some water from the water fountain leaving the screen as it is.

When I come back, there are agitated people crowding around my cube. Some colleagues are catering to an old lady who has just had a mini heart attack. Many more guys are making their way to my area. ‘What the heck was that?!!! Sounded worse than your laugh, Alpha!’

 Here, try it at your own risk!

I was still reeling with this embarrassment when our Admin guy hands out a stack (80 pages) of papers. ‘Alpha, there’s something really crazy going on. You are getting all this junk fax from someone. The fax machine has run out of paper! I put some in and there’s more coming!’

‘Junk fax? No way! I didn’t ask for the Bible to be faxed. Cant be for me!’ Yes way! The first sheet was an email format (like a forward) with the sender’s name, say Jane Fonda and a message saying’ This was too funny not to forward’. I don’t know who Jane Fonda is, but I do know she has the worst sense on humor. I saw my full name on the top of every sheet and with loads of undecipherable crap.. like some weird code language. And interspersed between the lines was the only legible word- Iraq. *gulp*

The pages kept coming…126…179….370….

No amount of stopping and starting the fax machine was working. Unrelenting fax message. So while the IT guys were alerted and the big shots in my company, who are supposed to receive some real serious fax, were pacing up and down, I was squirming in my seat hoping to God that Saddam Hussain wasn’t sending me a plea in Arabic. Oh well! He seems to have a lot to say.

While I was squirming, I googled for Jane Fonda and I got a lead… Tadaa! A very familiar company in Canada. I made a frantic call to Starfest (we all know her for her smartness). ’Hey! Does Jane Fonda work in your firm?’

‘Yes..why?’

‘Why the heck is she sending me a huge fax?’ I was unaware of the absurdity of that statement.

‘Fax? No, I sent you an email which she forwarded to me.’ said Star obviously thinking I had some Vodka for lunch.

‘Something about Iraq?’

‘Yes. But it was an email.. not a fax.’

Aha! The quest narrows down. So it was Star!! ‘Ok what the heck? How did it get to the office fax machine?’

I was shocked at the revelation. It can actually happen when you think my email id is my fax number. She sent a video clipping to me by fax!

By hook or by crook (read- by email or by fax), they all get me!!!!!!!

Grrrr… Now how do I get this fax to stop? ‘ermm..heh heh.. Mr. Gilbert, do you want to tell the client to send your fax to my husband’s office? I can bring it tomorrow!

‘I think you should wear jeans and this T-shirt thing more often.’

‘Wow Ajji (granny), you are so cool!’ I said beaming and proud that my granny was suddenly beginning to have a modern outlook towards life.

‘These kinda clothes will ward away the evil-eye.’ she was quick to clear all misconceptions.

________________________________________________________

‘You look like a Barbie doll today’

*blush*

’Ajji has never seen a Barbie doll before,’ my brother clarified breaking my bubble.

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Granny is generally a healthy woman for her age *touch wood* who just had an appendicitis operation. Poor thing! She has recovered now but she was obviously shaken and could not fathom why it had to happen to her. ‘Just one more day and my stomach would have burst,’ she loved to tell people who showed any concern about her health almost choking with emotion. In the most serious tone, with tears welling she professed confidently , ‘There should have been five deaths in the family, but He averted them’.

The five should-have-been-deaths were that of my dad, one far away aunty hospitalized for back ache, my mami and my cousin who had a minor accident and of course, herself. Jeez! She can be so morose.

She has nine kids.. Nine freaking kids! But the love and concern she shows for all of them and their spouses and their children makes me wonder if she ever did anything else with her life other than strive for her family. Probably not, but aren’t we eternally thankful for that.

Kids today.. tch tch tch… are SPOILT!

The first time I heard of a CD player was in 10^th grade when I went to a really rich kid’s house and she demonstrated the virtues of a CD player. I admitted to myself that I didn’t hear much of a difference; the cassette player was good enough for me. Imagine buying CDs worth 300 bucks and throwing away the wonderful collection of cassettes.

’Papa Don’t Preach’ sounded as good in my walkman. … I’m in love with him…Papa don’t…brrrrrgtwirlllllcrrrrrrrrr… *remove cassette, put pinky finger in hole and twist twist twist anticlockwise… whoa no… clockwise…yes… put cassette back* There you go!

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‘Raji has email… kewl!’ my brother announced as if she just acquired a seat in a Medical College at the age of 12. ‘What is email?’ I asked making sure he hadn’t missed something (like the last time when he called a ventilator- Kelvinator). Expecting this reaction from his rather dull sister, he explained excitedly,’ Email is something like a message through a computer.’

‘Oh’ I was not impressed since we didn’t even have a freaking computer… to cry out aloud.

‘The other person you are sending this email too also needs an email facility called the internet.’

‘What??? Totally useless!’ I couldn’t imagine something like that could electrify my brother so. Never were we going to shell out so much money on something that is interrelated to other people shelling out equal amounts of cash. Its like saying… I can talk to you in sign language, but for that my dear, you have to enroll in a class and learn that too.

‘Its instant messaging.’

‘So what! People can wait or call.’

The visionary leaves me in a huff!

I run to check mail. Look at the postman longingly till he can take it no more and hands me the letter from my friend with some of the contents spilling out like the intestines of a dead raccoon on a highway. Ecstatic, I run inside… lock my room and pour over the hand written letter (on an Archies letter pad) seven times.

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Cell phone? You must be kidding, right? What’s the urgency to keep in touch? I tell you… these rich buggers! Yes, Neetu had one in college so that she and her boyfriend could chat! How desperate could you get? Bloody show offs!

Ok excuse me here, while I stand in the long queue to make a frantic call to my brother to get him to return my most priced possession, my Kinetic! ‘Err… Can you excuse me.. I am in a hurry.. I have to make an urgent call.‘

All I heard was very bad language (chee chee) from the eight damsels on how long they had been waiting in the blasted line. Didn't buy my handicap story.

Finally my turn comes. ‘What? He is not in his room?? Please check Room number 708 and 956 while I wait.’

25 minutes and 30 rupees later, ‘I’ll call back.’

You know that it is Olympics time…

...when you started writing about Olympics in 2004 and haven’t yet stopped after 87,967 posts and 20 Olympics.

...when the matchstick I was keeping above my head to burn the gas stove, burnt my hair in the shape of the current Olympic Mascot, the Burnt Chappati.

...when my grandchildren presented me with a podium styled commode.

Last year…

-I managed to ride in a hot air balloon (which inflated as soon as the channas were devoured)

-I hiked all the way to the Thar Dessert in the wheelchair (till I found out that it was a mirage)

-I created a line of self-made greeting cards called Leemark cards (had to give fictitious artists names in the bottom, Payal Sinha, age 6)

….90, here I come!!

On Monday its 50 years since I moved to Germany. The years have gone by in a hurry. Memories that remain are those of travel and people. Of the times when I traveled around Europe with Wife, Sister, Daughter, Son-in-law, Grand son, Mother and Father. And those recorded in a hurry in the 43 versions of a small book called ‘Atomic Absurdities’ where what is revealed is actually concealed.

Upcoming posts-

Delirium- 7

Happy Birthday Lee’s dog!

My driver ate my balls topped with coffee seeds

The sagging voluptuous teacher and the killer squirrels I & II & III.

Smiley the (old) man’s (old) man wonders why he doesn’t have a woman.

Lord Shiva appeared in his dreams,’ Life or Hair?’ He chose hair. Rarely blogs from heaven. (someone had to die of oldage (sorry Yogs) & since he attained spirituality at an early age.. the Gods thought he would be a good influence on them). He does nothing but dance with married apsaras.

Jahan teri yeh nazar hai, meri jaan mujhe khabar hai!

....And I wish they do.

Happy One year of blogging to me. Actually its my fake birthday (I started on the 26^th). I decided to celebrate it with AmitL and make him still believe I am his twin. He is a great guy and is crazy about making new friends. One of the first guys who came to my blog and still comments for every silly post of mine. Amazing! Wishing him and his wonderful family well in the years to come. Happy Birthday Twin and I do hope you keep dropping by my blog with a ‘Lol, Twin’ for 50 years more.