Pieces of the Puzzle

My worst fear is being eaten by a grizzly in Montana. In close contention comes my fear of auto rickshaw drivers (esp. in Chennai).

Having heard horror stories and experienced a few, I don’t usually dare to go alone in these autos. But sometimes you have to take the plunge when desperation strikes. Sometimes you need to go to Montana.

I was new to town, Athensnagar. I had just walked out of Olympic Central Station. Hurdle race, gymnastics and weightlifting were the main sports in this railway arena. Having beaten my opponents, I was not looking forward to the last event- Taking an auto to Hotel Pythagoras.

Between heavy traffic late that night, I find my self screaming ’Autooo! Autooo!’. Ottoman-I screeches and looks at me vehemently. I yell, 'Pythagoras Hotel’. Ottoman-I slaps his head, curses in Greek and zooms off. How rude!

I hail another. Ottoman-II makes a maneuver that would put James Bond to shame, almost running over my toes, finally breaking in front of me.

'Pythagoras hotel is very far ma. I will take you for 50 bucks’

‘Ouwa Ouwa! What day-light ..err night-time robbery is this?! No way! I will find Ottoman-III. Go away! Plus my friend who booked this hotel said its damn close. You cheat!’

"No body in the whole Ottoman Empire will come for less than 50 bucks. Plus its bloody night time. Double rate also I didn’t put for you. And you know Greek, so its even less."

Well, I succumb. He did praise my Greek skills afterall. But I am still paranoid as hell. I sit at the edge of the seat so it will be easier for me to jump and tumble out like apna Hercules, if need be.

Ottoman-II engages me in an annoying conversation. Maybe that’s better than eerie silence.

"How old are you ma?"

Sweat trickles down my back. Why the heck is he asking me my age?

He doesnt wait for an answer "I am sure somewhere around 20-21. Yeah, you look young. I'm sure you are not married."

Shift to the edge most part of the edge of the seat…choking in fear. Images of Rapist Auto-Shankar which was always in the back of my mind, come looming in the front.

He doesnt stop "I will tell you something. You better listen to me. Don’t loose your virginity before your wedding night."

What in the name of Ganeshkaupolis!!? What did I do to derserve this sermon? Do I look like a slut? I even have my salwar on this time. Who is he, my dad? Oh my God, he is a psycho.. maybe like Hannibal.

I panic "Stop Stop Stop!"

Ottoman-II halts the vehicle.

"Ok, here’s 50 bucks. Thanks bye!" I shoot out of the auto.

He is confused, "What about Pythagoras?"

"No no, I think I am fine here. I suddenly remembered that I need to be here..in the middle of nowhere."

Thus saying I hail another auto coz I have no freakin clue where I am. This is getting really weird. I pray to all the Gods I remember, even Apollo.

Ottoman-III turned out to be decent after all. He did bore me by talking about political scenarios and how people from Athens shouldn’t go to other states and increase their tourism. By now I had toured the whole of Athens. But at least I saw the Pythogoras Hotel finally. Thanked my lucky stars…congratulated myself for spending only a 100 bucks and finally making it unharmed. I had survived yet another daunting auto experience.

At day break, I sleepily strutted to the window of my hotel room. With a big yawn, I pulled away the curtains to see ‘Oympic Central Station’ staring at me from right across the street.

Me: *gushing* Congrats man! I just heard that you got top marks in EM this time.

Tom: That was the other Tom. I flunked.

Me: *teasing* Where did you and your girl-friend go this time, you relentless love-birds?

Dick: We broke up.

Me: *distractedly* So, What does your father do?

Harry: My dad ..uh.. my dad just passed away. And you came to the funeral.

These are a few of my typical samples. How does one recover from these? Don't know who's more distressed, me or them.

Same hostel, around the same time. My friend Flirtina used to hang out with a lot of good looking popular guys, Lookesh being one of them. I needed a chance to establish my looks with his. I had been introduced, but that was not enough. I needed more interaction to get anywhere. Flirtina was going to his place for some combined studies, she told me I could tag along. She said I could help out and also impress Lookesh.Though I really didn’t see where I would fit in this (theirs being a different subject altogether), I decided it was worth exploring the avenue.

Lookesh didn’t stay in the hostel. En route to his place which happened to be in a hilly part of the town, Flirtina got a brilliant idea.

‘Alpha, how about scaring him like you did with VGB?’

I didn’t think it was a very good idea. Not for the fact that I didn’t have my duppatta and goggles, but for the fact that I really didn’t think it was a good idea.

Flirtina started flirting with me," Comon Alpha my babe, it will be so much fun and he lives all alone in this lonely locality. I’m sure he’ll have a fright of his life! Ooooh! I just cant imagine how fun it would be.’

Yes, that did sound like fun. Especially since I had been banned to do this in the hostel. I was easily bought. Plus I had the whole evening after that to entice Lookesh over candles and wine (read- drawings and formulae).

The current went off just as we were rolling my Kinetic downhill with the ignition turned off. We saw his house. Pitch dark and silhouetted against the moonlight. *shiver* Suddenly we saw a shadow emerge with a candle to the porch. We ducked immediately and glided past his house behind the compound wall. He hadn’t seen us. Crouched on the Kinetic, we waited for him to get inside (controlling every urge to laugh). Now I needed to pee badly. Note to myself- Must use the loo first thing after we get inside.

We slowly climbed the compound wall and crept up to the back yard. Shucks! He had his windows closed. So we picked up some branches and slowly tapped on his window..’tap tap tap’.. then with our raincoats ‘swoosh swoosh’. ‘tap tap swoosh swoosh’. It was quite hilarious…not scary one bit! We were suppressing our giggles and I, my pee.

We could hear him inside, ‘Kaun hai bhe? Who is it?’

I couldn’t take it anymore. A big trickle. Yikes! This was embarrassing. I sheepishly told Flirtina, ’I think I peed!’ She burst out in a loud guffaw!

Lookesh yelled now," WHO THE HELL IS THERE?"

I still had ¼ of my pee compressed inside my bladder with the help of my crossed legs. And Flirtina was almost on the floor rolling taking care not to roll on my marked territory.

Suddenly we heard Lookesh’s footsteps outside," I’M coming you thieves! What the HELL is going on? Where are you? "

Flirtina started running towards the front, me limping behind with crossed legs. And Lookesh following us cursing loudly!

When he finally caught up with us (he ran around the other direction) he had a knife and torch in his hands! We screamed our lungs out in the dark, ‘Eeeeiaaaaa..(..continued), Its us, its us!’

The remaining ¼ had managed to find its way out. At least now I could stand properly without that tortured look on my face. I had my long raincoat on, so I was saved from further misery.

Lookesh seemed shocked and relieved,’ You girls! Stupid idiots! Jeez! Wow! Come on inside now!’

But I HAD to leave NOW,’Sorry guys, I need to go. Something just came up (or down). No time to spare. I just had time to come and scare you. haha ..yeah I know its not raining. But I need my raincoat on..heh heh. yeah crazy na! No no NO, I cant come inside…not even for a minute. Seeya! Byee!’

I zoomed off leaving Lookesh wierded off and Flirtina laughing her head off.

Some 15 years after the previous post. Pacing around my hostel after dinner, I was desperately finding ways to entertain myself. I had just finished faking palmistry to a bunch of giddy hostelites. I needed more excitment than this.

Memories of Tamaboo seeped into my evil mind. But this time, it was going to be more sinister and convincing. My mama had obviously done a bad job. The sequel will have to be better. I sneaked to the back of the dorms where the watchman wouldn’t notice. I donned a green transparent duppatta on my head (so that I could see things) and put on my swimming goggles over the duppatta and the eyes (so I could still see stuff and look scary). Then I wore a pair of shorts on my head (like white hair). I climbed the drainage pipe and landed on the chajja of my victim’s room on the first floor (or second in the US). The victim was a Very-Girly Bimbo. I knew she was the perfect prey.

So I sat on her window sill at about midnight and just stared at her. I was going to be as ominous as they get. No noise, no flapping wings, no ‘boo’…just waiting for the VGB to look at me. So I sat there while she was lying on her bed, listening to ‘Naam ghum jayega’ and reading some Daniel Steel (girly to the core). Dimly lit room filled with soft toys (argh.. they even had names). I sat there with my duppatta, swimming goggles et al making a complete idiot of myself. Sometimes, I don’t even wonder why I do these things.

But then, VGB gets a strange feeling of being started at. She slowly moved her book from her face to look at me directly. The climax scene I had been patiently waiting for-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!"

It was a worse than a banshee’s mating call. I almost fell from the top. But I wasted no time to collect myself. I slipped down the pipe as quickly as frictional force would allow. Sprinted to my room like PT Usha and jumped into my bed like Anju George. Hid all my evidence under the bed and opened my books so that even I wouldn’t suspect what I had done.

In 3 minutes. KNOCK KNOCK!!!

I opened. A bevy of babes.. all sizes.. all shapes. VGB among them, white and sobbing. The head girl, VBB (Very Boyish Bitch) spoke up, "Alpha, I know its you! You have a history of crime (surely she meant pranks) in this hostel. Look at poor VGB, she could have got a heart-attack. I would urge you to be more responsible towards fellow humans."

By now the whole hostel was enjoying this scene. I tried to save my busted ass, ‘Of course its not me, VBB. Just because I have done a few innocent things in the past (like sticking BITCH on your door, pouring water on you from the terrace, pasting pictures of your butt on the notice board) you cannot relate every incident to me Ok! Not fair ya! Poor VGB, she looks like a ghost.. did she just see one?'

VBB growled, ’If I were you, I would use some other goggles instead of your signature neon orange ones! And oh, here are your shorts.’

At Grandpa’s during summer vacations. My mama had a way with regaling us kids (age group 5-10) with his sordid tales. During this time, he was preparing for his exams and spent a considerable amount of time trying to study in the terrace. There was a small storage room which he converted into a study. The room faced the giant tamarind tree which we fondly referred to as Tamarindus Indica.

One night when mamu was finding ways and means to get distracted from actually studying, he told us about Tamaboo.

"Tamaboo, the ghost, loves to hinder intellectual growth. While I was studying one late night, he came very close to me and wailed eerily. Disturbed, I looked up from my books."

We were all ears and eyes at this point. "Then what happened, mama?"

"I got so scared that I peed."

We giggled. We started believing his story at once.

"But you fools, it was the piss that made him run away to that tree. He couldn’t stand that stench. And your mama came back unhurt."

We almost had to stop ourselves from clapping. Such bravado was only to be hero-worshipped. We wanted to see Tamaboo desperately. We were not going to sleep until then. When it came, we were all going to pee! So we started hoarding on water.

Now mama didn’t expect this, he urged us to sleep. He didn’t want the elders knowing what he was feeding innocent kids with.

"Tamaboo will come only if you are studying hard".

Tantrums are something no one can take, especially not from six rolling-cum-yelling brats.

So he complied. He said, he would go upstairs and start studying. We should just sit by the window and wait for Tamaboo. Tams apparently took this route upstairs.

‘Uh.. mama, aren’t ghosts supposed to fly?’ asked one of my smart cousin. We all looked at her in awe.

‘That does it! I am not showing you ingrates any ghost-vhost!’

Now we looked at her with disgust. After a little pleading, he complied.

‘No, Tamaboo’s is low on fuel these days, so he cant fly. It needs a few kids to swallow. Don’t even stir if you care about your life. Just wait and watch and no more questions.. or no Tamaboo.’

He left. We waited inside the room by the window. Bated breath….controlling my urge to pee.

After a few minutes, Tamaboo came. Huge gasps.

It's head was draped with my dad’s dhoti, my grandpa’s glasses on top and had the height and voice of my mama!

What a scam!

We burst out laughing, except for one cousin who almost had a stroke on seeing Tamaboo. He was screaming in fright and brought the whole house down. I peed due to the fact that I was laughing so much.

Some ex-pee-rience it was!

I wanted to be taken seriously as a kid. I desperately wanted to look like I knew it all. I needed something that would require absolutely no studying. The easiest way according to my hyperactive brain was to own a pair of specs. Thick ones that too.

I could have asked my parents to get me a placebo pair. But knowing them, they may have ridiculed my idea and the thought of spending that little money for their daughter’s well being would have shut them off altogether. They wouldn’t understand the dire need for me to look like a nerd. If I had those glasses on, they would have surely bought the idea.

So I complained about headaches for a week. Then I began to bring to their attention that the world was fading and my mom looked like a double-acting-ghost. I would deliberately bang into walls and trip from stairs.

Concern hit them pretty quick and I was sitting in the ophthalmologist’s chair beaming away to glory. The omnipresent chart in front of me and an apparatus sitting on my nose with different lenses fitted into it. He asked me to read the chart while having me shut one eye. That ‘E’ was so huge that a blind man sitting in Antarctica could have seen it. But I said ‘G’ and according to my scheme, I read them all wrong one by one.

‘E G I U J K L ..hmm..can’t see. ..B?’

My dream was this close to coming true. Suddenly the doc stopped his examination, helped me out of the chair, went to my parents and seriously addressed them.

‘Mr. and Mrs. Kappa, your daughter Alpha has no problems with her eyesight. 6/6 vision.’

He scribbled something on his letter pad.

‘But here’s the best child psychiatrist I can recommend.’

Eager Eligible Bachelor: Hi uncle and aunty. *gushing* Let me help you set up your computer and email. *painstakingly spends an hour doing this and draws out step by step instructions on how to log on*

Wow uncle, thats an awesome joke. haha! I could sit here all day listening to you people talk. Is there anything else I can help you with? Clean up the house? Take you shopping, Aunty? When? Cool, I'm ready.

My future plans blah blah blah.

Phd blah blah blah.

Job blah blah

If Beta needs help with admissions, please do let me know.

Bored Married Man: Alphaaa! Pick up the phone. It must be your parents. Tell them I am not at home.... please.

My head held high, I was feeling like an adult these days. I had bullied my little brother, cleaned up my room and my future seemed great. I was not going to be forced to drink milk every morning. Yes, my plan was working. Forgetful me was forgetting to drink milk. I would be chided in the evening, but that was a low price to pay for this milk-free luxury.

It was during my 6^th grade final exams. Unsuspecting & involved, I was furiously writing down my answers to the questions of my Science paper. I knew them all. I was going to get more marks than Nerdy Neelu this time. Then she would get pissed off and I would act all pricey. Then she would want to become my best-friend. Then I would tell her to go and be friends with Loser Leela. Then she would sulk. *Wicked internal laugh*

My blissful concentration was broken by the very familiar gushing voice of our lovable servant. Jaggu walked straight into the class without really asking for permission. He looked around frantically.

"Baby, Alpha baby, there you are!"

He came beaming towards my desk, breaking into an excited run. Now he pulled out a water bottle and handed it over to me. I was shell shocked at this point when the whole class paused to comprehend this scene. Rajan sir tried to gain composure and gather his authority which seemed to have slipped away.

But Jaggu was unperturbed about the disorder he was creating. He suddenly became serious. Much to my humiliation, he ordered me to drink the milk right away as per my mom’s instructions. I was sure this was my mom's evil conspiracy to convert me into an obedient lactose tolerant pliable child. Argh!

"What baby, how can you forget to drink milk? Ammaji is so upset thinking of your health. How will you study and become a doctor?"

Now everyone including my teacher was finding this rather funny. Rajan sir, trying hard to hide his amusement, asked me to go out and finish the milk and get back to the paper. "Every doctor was a milk drinking kid". Sadistic laughter filled the classroom. Nerdy Neelu laughed the hardest.

I was scarred for a large part of my school life and never became a doctor. Nerdy Neelu did.