Pieces of the Puzzle

At Grandpa’s during summer vacations. My mama had a way with regaling us kids (age group 5-10) with his sordid tales. During this time, he was preparing for his exams and spent a considerable amount of time trying to study in the terrace. There was a small storage room which he converted into a study. The room faced the giant tamarind tree which we fondly referred to as Tamarindus Indica.

One night when mamu was finding ways and means to get distracted from actually studying, he told us about Tamaboo.

"Tamaboo, the ghost, loves to hinder intellectual growth. While I was studying one late night, he came very close to me and wailed eerily. Disturbed, I looked up from my books."

We were all ears and eyes at this point. "Then what happened, mama?"

"I got so scared that I peed."

We giggled. We started believing his story at once.

"But you fools, it was the piss that made him run away to that tree. He couldn’t stand that stench. And your mama came back unhurt."

We almost had to stop ourselves from clapping. Such bravado was only to be hero-worshipped. We wanted to see Tamaboo desperately. We were not going to sleep until then. When it came, we were all going to pee! So we started hoarding on water.

Now mama didn’t expect this, he urged us to sleep. He didn’t want the elders knowing what he was feeding innocent kids with.

"Tamaboo will come only if you are studying hard".

Tantrums are something no one can take, especially not from six rolling-cum-yelling brats.

So he complied. He said, he would go upstairs and start studying. We should just sit by the window and wait for Tamaboo. Tams apparently took this route upstairs.

‘Uh.. mama, aren’t ghosts supposed to fly?’ asked one of my smart cousin. We all looked at her in awe.

‘That does it! I am not showing you ingrates any ghost-vhost!’

Now we looked at her with disgust. After a little pleading, he complied.

‘No, Tamaboo’s is low on fuel these days, so he cant fly. It needs a few kids to swallow. Don’t even stir if you care about your life. Just wait and watch and no more questions.. or no Tamaboo.’

He left. We waited inside the room by the window. Bated breath….controlling my urge to pee.

After a few minutes, Tamaboo came. Huge gasps.

It's head was draped with my dad’s dhoti, my grandpa’s glasses on top and had the height and voice of my mama!

What a scam!

We burst out laughing, except for one cousin who almost had a stroke on seeing Tamaboo. He was screaming in fright and brought the whole house down. I peed due to the fact that I was laughing so much.

Some ex-pee-rience it was!

I wanted to be taken seriously as a kid. I desperately wanted to look like I knew it all. I needed something that would require absolutely no studying. The easiest way according to my hyperactive brain was to own a pair of specs. Thick ones that too.

I could have asked my parents to get me a placebo pair. But knowing them, they may have ridiculed my idea and the thought of spending that little money for their daughter’s well being would have shut them off altogether. They wouldn’t understand the dire need for me to look like a nerd. If I had those glasses on, they would have surely bought the idea.

So I complained about headaches for a week. Then I began to bring to their attention that the world was fading and my mom looked like a double-acting-ghost. I would deliberately bang into walls and trip from stairs.

Concern hit them pretty quick and I was sitting in the ophthalmologist’s chair beaming away to glory. The omnipresent chart in front of me and an apparatus sitting on my nose with different lenses fitted into it. He asked me to read the chart while having me shut one eye. That ‘E’ was so huge that a blind man sitting in Antarctica could have seen it. But I said ‘G’ and according to my scheme, I read them all wrong one by one.

‘E G I U J K L ..hmm..can’t see. ..B?’

My dream was this close to coming true. Suddenly the doc stopped his examination, helped me out of the chair, went to my parents and seriously addressed them.

‘Mr. and Mrs. Kappa, your daughter Alpha has no problems with her eyesight. 6/6 vision.’

He scribbled something on his letter pad.

‘But here’s the best child psychiatrist I can recommend.’

Eager Eligible Bachelor: Hi uncle and aunty. *gushing* Let me help you set up your computer and email. *painstakingly spends an hour doing this and draws out step by step instructions on how to log on*

Wow uncle, thats an awesome joke. haha! I could sit here all day listening to you people talk. Is there anything else I can help you with? Clean up the house? Take you shopping, Aunty? When? Cool, I'm ready.

My future plans blah blah blah.

Phd blah blah blah.

Job blah blah

If Beta needs help with admissions, please do let me know.

Bored Married Man: Alphaaa! Pick up the phone. It must be your parents. Tell them I am not at home.... please.

My head held high, I was feeling like an adult these days. I had bullied my little brother, cleaned up my room and my future seemed great. I was not going to be forced to drink milk every morning. Yes, my plan was working. Forgetful me was forgetting to drink milk. I would be chided in the evening, but that was a low price to pay for this milk-free luxury.

It was during my 6^th grade final exams. Unsuspecting & involved, I was furiously writing down my answers to the questions of my Science paper. I knew them all. I was going to get more marks than Nerdy Neelu this time. Then she would get pissed off and I would act all pricey. Then she would want to become my best-friend. Then I would tell her to go and be friends with Loser Leela. Then she would sulk. *Wicked internal laugh*

My blissful concentration was broken by the very familiar gushing voice of our lovable servant. Jaggu walked straight into the class without really asking for permission. He looked around frantically.

"Baby, Alpha baby, there you are!"

He came beaming towards my desk, breaking into an excited run. Now he pulled out a water bottle and handed it over to me. I was shell shocked at this point when the whole class paused to comprehend this scene. Rajan sir tried to gain composure and gather his authority which seemed to have slipped away.

But Jaggu was unperturbed about the disorder he was creating. He suddenly became serious. Much to my humiliation, he ordered me to drink the milk right away as per my mom’s instructions. I was sure this was my mom's evil conspiracy to convert me into an obedient lactose tolerant pliable child. Argh!

"What baby, how can you forget to drink milk? Ammaji is so upset thinking of your health. How will you study and become a doctor?"

Now everyone including my teacher was finding this rather funny. Rajan sir, trying hard to hide his amusement, asked me to go out and finish the milk and get back to the paper. "Every doctor was a milk drinking kid". Sadistic laughter filled the classroom. Nerdy Neelu laughed the hardest.

I was scarred for a large part of my school life and never became a doctor. Nerdy Neelu did.

Friday night- Jumped at an opportunity to see a play. My friend’s roommate was performing and I was invited to a free pass to the opening show. Perfect way of excusing myself from the dinner & drinks with hubby and his IIT buddies. Phew! He must be saying the same thing too. Opera singing, theatre and hanging out with a bunch of gays wasn’t exactly his dream evening.
So my friend was all frantic, ‘OMG! What are you going to wear? Jeans? Cool, even I’ll wear jeans!"

He took more than an hour to dress up. Throwing clothes and shoes all over his apartment. Finally, after agonizing mumblings from me, he settled for a funky T-shirt with a red belt. I chose not say it was ridiculous for the fear of spending another hour rummaging through the wardrobe and missing the play altogether. I suddenly feel for Pi. But seriously people! I am not half as bad as this guy.

We made it on time to have many of his ‘boy-friends’ welcome him at the entrance with hugs and kisses. Touchy feely all the way. Hmm.. Am I feeling left out or what! I tried to look at the ceiling. Finding nothing to keep myself occupied up there, I decided to use the bathroom mirror. I walked in on a gay couple making out. Err.. back to ceiling admiring. After all this hobnobbing and flirting, my friend finally decided to humor me, "Alpha, Shall we?" I scowled; he held my arm and ushered me into the auditorium. Immense talent floating around, both in acting and singing. All of them budding stars vying to make it big into Broadway. They moved to Chicago from various little towns to realize their dreams. Their voices brought goosebumps as usual. This time the women were better. Roomie sounded quite hoarse but did a great job acting and dancing. Poor guy had the worst fever and sore throat ever. The play itself was weird, so was the music. I have seen better. But I liked the experience nevertheless and felt inadequete about my own talents.

After the play, we were treated to champagne and dessert. That’s the reason not to miss the first day shows. Once the cast emerged from back stage, we decided to go to a restaurant. My friend started hitting on all eligible gays in the area. I wondered how he knew the difference. He claimed to have a ‘Ga(y)dar’ which detects gays from a mile. Me too. All the good looking guys are gays! And of course, artistically brilliant.

I hung around with them for a while and they said they were heading to a gay bar and insisted I come along too as the night was still young (past midnight at this point ). Yeah rite! I told my friend, I would only hinder his process of picking up a bitch. Plus, a gay bar??! With no one for me to aankh maro?! No, thanks! I bailed out of the party saying I had to get back to my five kids. The kind of lifestyle I see them lead, I felt old.

Saturday night- 2 dozen people sprawled all over the living room at a friend's. We wasted the whole freakin night & the next day watching India losing miserably to the invincible Aussies. The only fun part was that in the end, we concentrated in trying to get as much money out of our bettings. Comon Australlia! A four! YAY! I won 5 bucks!

Sunday night- Met up with two long lost people. The first was an old friend who disappeared after getting married. He was shielding his poor gullible newbie wife from me, I believe.

The second were our neighbors. Been so busy; flying to different cities, driving for hours to meet friends that we never find time for poor measly neighbors. They will be there anytime, right! We felt guilty when they said that they have been trying to catch us for a month now to tell us that they are expecting a baby soon. Also the guy had chicken pox after he had made a trip to India. And we were unaware of all this inspite of just a single wall seperating us. They realized that our house was either swarming with loud guests or it was empty. The kind of lifestyle we lead, they said we make them feel old!

Omega was obviously disappointed with DA. But her parents loved him and he in turn loved her. She felt TA would do her fine, but they (the elders) knew better (as always) as TA was younger than her. Hehe! Suited me just fine. Omega was in a quagmire and her protests were quite feeble against their resolve. Though I felt sorry for her outwardly, I secretly wanted this to happen for my sake and TA’s.

Before Omega could make up her mind, DA desperately tried wooing her. He tried every trick in the book- "Making a Girl Say yes for Dummies". He called and asked her out for dinner. She politely refused with some excuse. He even sent her a small shelf like thing with cosmetics arranged on it. By mail -Anonymously.

I thought I’d play a prank on DA who was in Bangalore. He sitting smug thinking he could buy my cousin! Hmph! Plus I needed a passtime badly.

So I called his home…after stealing the phone number from her parents phone book. DA was apparently out of town. It was TA who picked up! *blush blush* But I am to stick to my original plan. No swaying and no love talks. That can wait. If first impressions were anything to go by, it can really wait. So I introduced myself to TA.

Me: (my huskiest voice) I’m Omega’s cuz, Alpha.

TA: yes? (Obviously not connecting me to any flower-pot incident)

Me: Did your brother, DA, send something to Omega.. like a package?

TA: yeah yeah! He did, did you people figure out it was him?? Cool! (forced laugh)

Me: OMG! I had an inkling. So it was your brother DA! You wont believe what happened here. Since it was anonymous, and since there have been certain incidents recently (in Bombay), my aunt suspected the package to be a bomb.

TA: What? But why? Didn’t the postman deliver it properly?

Me: That’s the problem. The postman just left it at the porch. So the whole family was quite skeptical about opening it. They just started jumping up and down, evacuated the house and called the cops immediately.

TA: (in disbelief) Oh wow! Really?? Man, DA will be pretty shocked. Even I am!

Me: Yeah, the cops are at present waiting for a bomb squad to open it! Can you believe it? This is funny! Haha!

TA: yeah it is! Hehe! (thinking -what a weird family my brother is getting into) Make sure you get the package safe. This is hilarious!

Me: ok, I’ll hang up now. Just thot I’d inform you that his romantic gesture bombed Big Time.

Click.

Next day DA calls.

Aunt: (gushing) Hello hello DA, my son! How are you? How is everything? Why don’t you come here soon?

DA: I will aunty. So how is the bomb doing? *thinks he cracked a good one*

Aunt: (a little perplexed) Bomb? (now thinking he is referring to Omega, is quite shaken) Oh oh, the bomb is fine.

DA: I hope the police people didn’t keep the bomb themselves. Haha!

Aunt: (now really upset) Why would they do that?!

Recently Omega lost her bike and was making some trips to the police station. So my aunt connected that.

DA: Police can be very greedy sometimes. And I am telling you aunty, I think that’s a very good rack and anyone would be interested. Good stuff.

Bang! Aunt hangs up in disgust.

This- I seriously hadn't planned out! Things took an unexpected turn and I never got to further interact with TA. I was heart-broken. But Omega couldn't stop hugging me when I confessed (only to her). In retrospect, I would easily give up 10 TAs for her.

TA must have had a girlfriend, I'm sure!

Many years ago, my really close cousin, Omega, who’s 2 years older to me was on the prowl. Not Omega really, but her parents. So they lined up Mr.Dumb Ass to ‘see’ her. I was instructed to be nowhere in sight during this esteemed trial. Woah, what was that all about? But then, insecurities do exist. Dumb Ass being what he is, could have slipped on seeing me wink at him. And before people could react, Dumb Ass would be mine…jeez! Later I was told to my immense grief that it was not my captivating beauty, but it was the ‘trouble’ they didn’t want around.

I being what I am, wanted to have a share of this. I had to have a good look at Mr. Dumb Ass somehow! But they (the elders) knew better (as always) and wanted me to keep my distance. Oh well, when you cant beat them- trick them. So when everyone was running helter-skelter getting vadas, somosas and the goat (I mean Omega) ready, I was devising a fool-proof plan. I could hide inside our parked car. It had tinted glass. I could sit inside get the whole view of Dumb Ass arriving and nobody would know. When they were all inside the house, I would coolly slip out. Wonderful!

I took position before people could suspect my intentions. I waited and waited for what seemed like one whole ‘Soil Mechanics’ class. It was getting to be quite a bad idea.. what with me sweating and having to open the door once in a while to get some oxygen for survival. I turned out looking like a dumb ass myself. I’m sure there would have been a better idea like disguising myself as a cow or something. But my patience paid off.

A car arrived.

It sped past. Shucks!

After another eternity, another car arrived, stopped and folks started emerging. Shut the door quickly. I stopped breathing, just in case. I saw a handsome hunk with a sexy ass emerge. Now Dumb Ass was quickly renamed Tight Ass. Lucky bum Omega! TA was followed by another bulky man, dad I suppose...too young to be dad.. maybe uncle...yeah, uncle! Next came the mom and the dad.. now that’s the dad for sure!

They all were received by my junta. Lot of artificial smiling and nodding of heads. Move on people! Go inside already! I am suffocating here! I have seen enuf!!! My curiosity is killed, for HEAVEN’S SAKE!

But they remained outside, one of my mamas leaning on the car and animatedly explaining some thing. TA’s ass right on my face! Knowing my mama, I knew it had to be boring as hell!

Finally they went inside! Phew! I think I would survive after all! I checked my pulse and the breathing was normal. I opened the door and quickly jumped out. Almost too quickly as I tripped on some of the flower pots, just when TA came charging out to get something from his car! He saw me with a BIG ‘question mark’ on his face. Without any ‘explanation mark’, I bolted out of the gate and ran to my neighbors house (where I should have originally been).

If interrogated, I had cooked up another story. But no one bothered to ask..Maybe TA was dumbfounded! I was to later find, TA was not DA! TA was DA’s younger brother and DA was the uncle! Poor Omega!

Does that mean something? *devils mind at work* I can swear that question mark look was meant to be romantic!

Continued……

When confronted with the above proverb and asked to comment on it, these were the few responses I got. These are by no means directly related to you as a person. They resulted out of my limited interactions with you. So sue me not!

Yogi: I am going to milk this 'Bipasha Basu' story till everyone starts crying. OSHO says Milk tastes better when licked from the….

Gorgeous: I am PMSing so I shouldn’t comment. But I still will- Oh please! What made you think I would be interested in this? I don’t drink milk coz I am Gorgeous fucking Diva!

Starfest: I like to make a big hue and cry even before the milk spills. And then think my familiy is going to drown me in milk or worse marry me off to a buffalo! Now let me watch Survivor in peace!

Wandy: ~Hey Bhagwan! ~ She is so busy with her physiological systems and manifestations of higher feelings, emotions that she cannot and should not cry over spilt milk~ She is trying to use cognitive reappraisal strategies to overcome this milky situation.

Elaichi Chai: I am pissed! I am pissed about milk! I am pissed about the cows! I am pissed with you! I am pissed that I am here in the first place! I am pissed that I might have to comment on this piss-off post!

Heretic: (promptly changes his name to - Dirty Dhoodwala) Milk? Boob? Where?