Pieces of the Puzzle

Friday night- Jumped at an opportunity to see a play. My friend’s roommate was performing and I was invited to a free pass to the opening show. Perfect way of excusing myself from the dinner & drinks with hubby and his IIT buddies. Phew! He must be saying the same thing too. Opera singing, theatre and hanging out with a bunch of gays wasn’t exactly his dream evening.
So my friend was all frantic, ‘OMG! What are you going to wear? Jeans? Cool, even I’ll wear jeans!"

He took more than an hour to dress up. Throwing clothes and shoes all over his apartment. Finally, after agonizing mumblings from me, he settled for a funky T-shirt with a red belt. I chose not say it was ridiculous for the fear of spending another hour rummaging through the wardrobe and missing the play altogether. I suddenly feel for Pi. But seriously people! I am not half as bad as this guy.

We made it on time to have many of his ‘boy-friends’ welcome him at the entrance with hugs and kisses. Touchy feely all the way. Hmm.. Am I feeling left out or what! I tried to look at the ceiling. Finding nothing to keep myself occupied up there, I decided to use the bathroom mirror. I walked in on a gay couple making out. Err.. back to ceiling admiring. After all this hobnobbing and flirting, my friend finally decided to humor me, "Alpha, Shall we?" I scowled; he held my arm and ushered me into the auditorium. Immense talent floating around, both in acting and singing. All of them budding stars vying to make it big into Broadway. They moved to Chicago from various little towns to realize their dreams. Their voices brought goosebumps as usual. This time the women were better. Roomie sounded quite hoarse but did a great job acting and dancing. Poor guy had the worst fever and sore throat ever. The play itself was weird, so was the music. I have seen better. But I liked the experience nevertheless and felt inadequete about my own talents.

After the play, we were treated to champagne and dessert. That’s the reason not to miss the first day shows. Once the cast emerged from back stage, we decided to go to a restaurant. My friend started hitting on all eligible gays in the area. I wondered how he knew the difference. He claimed to have a ‘Ga(y)dar’ which detects gays from a mile. Me too. All the good looking guys are gays! And of course, artistically brilliant.

I hung around with them for a while and they said they were heading to a gay bar and insisted I come along too as the night was still young (past midnight at this point ). Yeah rite! I told my friend, I would only hinder his process of picking up a bitch. Plus, a gay bar??! With no one for me to aankh maro?! No, thanks! I bailed out of the party saying I had to get back to my five kids. The kind of lifestyle I see them lead, I felt old.

Saturday night- 2 dozen people sprawled all over the living room at a friend's. We wasted the whole freakin night & the next day watching India losing miserably to the invincible Aussies. The only fun part was that in the end, we concentrated in trying to get as much money out of our bettings. Comon Australlia! A four! YAY! I won 5 bucks!

Sunday night- Met up with two long lost people. The first was an old friend who disappeared after getting married. He was shielding his poor gullible newbie wife from me, I believe.

The second were our neighbors. Been so busy; flying to different cities, driving for hours to meet friends that we never find time for poor measly neighbors. They will be there anytime, right! We felt guilty when they said that they have been trying to catch us for a month now to tell us that they are expecting a baby soon. Also the guy had chicken pox after he had made a trip to India. And we were unaware of all this inspite of just a single wall seperating us. They realized that our house was either swarming with loud guests or it was empty. The kind of lifestyle we lead, they said we make them feel old!

Omega was obviously disappointed with DA. But her parents loved him and he in turn loved her. She felt TA would do her fine, but they (the elders) knew better (as always) as TA was younger than her. Hehe! Suited me just fine. Omega was in a quagmire and her protests were quite feeble against their resolve. Though I felt sorry for her outwardly, I secretly wanted this to happen for my sake and TA’s.

Before Omega could make up her mind, DA desperately tried wooing her. He tried every trick in the book- "Making a Girl Say yes for Dummies". He called and asked her out for dinner. She politely refused with some excuse. He even sent her a small shelf like thing with cosmetics arranged on it. By mail -Anonymously.

I thought I’d play a prank on DA who was in Bangalore. He sitting smug thinking he could buy my cousin! Hmph! Plus I needed a passtime badly.

So I called his home…after stealing the phone number from her parents phone book. DA was apparently out of town. It was TA who picked up! *blush blush* But I am to stick to my original plan. No swaying and no love talks. That can wait. If first impressions were anything to go by, it can really wait. So I introduced myself to TA.

Me: (my huskiest voice) I’m Omega’s cuz, Alpha.

TA: yes? (Obviously not connecting me to any flower-pot incident)

Me: Did your brother, DA, send something to Omega.. like a package?

TA: yeah yeah! He did, did you people figure out it was him?? Cool! (forced laugh)

Me: OMG! I had an inkling. So it was your brother DA! You wont believe what happened here. Since it was anonymous, and since there have been certain incidents recently (in Bombay), my aunt suspected the package to be a bomb.

TA: What? But why? Didn’t the postman deliver it properly?

Me: That’s the problem. The postman just left it at the porch. So the whole family was quite skeptical about opening it. They just started jumping up and down, evacuated the house and called the cops immediately.

TA: (in disbelief) Oh wow! Really?? Man, DA will be pretty shocked. Even I am!

Me: Yeah, the cops are at present waiting for a bomb squad to open it! Can you believe it? This is funny! Haha!

TA: yeah it is! Hehe! (thinking -what a weird family my brother is getting into) Make sure you get the package safe. This is hilarious!

Me: ok, I’ll hang up now. Just thot I’d inform you that his romantic gesture bombed Big Time.

Click.

Next day DA calls.

Aunt: (gushing) Hello hello DA, my son! How are you? How is everything? Why don’t you come here soon?

DA: I will aunty. So how is the bomb doing? *thinks he cracked a good one*

Aunt: (a little perplexed) Bomb? (now thinking he is referring to Omega, is quite shaken) Oh oh, the bomb is fine.

DA: I hope the police people didn’t keep the bomb themselves. Haha!

Aunt: (now really upset) Why would they do that?!

Recently Omega lost her bike and was making some trips to the police station. So my aunt connected that.

DA: Police can be very greedy sometimes. And I am telling you aunty, I think that’s a very good rack and anyone would be interested. Good stuff.

Bang! Aunt hangs up in disgust.

This- I seriously hadn't planned out! Things took an unexpected turn and I never got to further interact with TA. I was heart-broken. But Omega couldn't stop hugging me when I confessed (only to her). In retrospect, I would easily give up 10 TAs for her.

TA must have had a girlfriend, I'm sure!

Many years ago, my really close cousin, Omega, who’s 2 years older to me was on the prowl. Not Omega really, but her parents. So they lined up Mr.Dumb Ass to ‘see’ her. I was instructed to be nowhere in sight during this esteemed trial. Woah, what was that all about? But then, insecurities do exist. Dumb Ass being what he is, could have slipped on seeing me wink at him. And before people could react, Dumb Ass would be mine…jeez! Later I was told to my immense grief that it was not my captivating beauty, but it was the ‘trouble’ they didn’t want around.

I being what I am, wanted to have a share of this. I had to have a good look at Mr. Dumb Ass somehow! But they (the elders) knew better (as always) and wanted me to keep my distance. Oh well, when you cant beat them- trick them. So when everyone was running helter-skelter getting vadas, somosas and the goat (I mean Omega) ready, I was devising a fool-proof plan. I could hide inside our parked car. It had tinted glass. I could sit inside get the whole view of Dumb Ass arriving and nobody would know. When they were all inside the house, I would coolly slip out. Wonderful!

I took position before people could suspect my intentions. I waited and waited for what seemed like one whole ‘Soil Mechanics’ class. It was getting to be quite a bad idea.. what with me sweating and having to open the door once in a while to get some oxygen for survival. I turned out looking like a dumb ass myself. I’m sure there would have been a better idea like disguising myself as a cow or something. But my patience paid off.

A car arrived.

It sped past. Shucks!

After another eternity, another car arrived, stopped and folks started emerging. Shut the door quickly. I stopped breathing, just in case. I saw a handsome hunk with a sexy ass emerge. Now Dumb Ass was quickly renamed Tight Ass. Lucky bum Omega! TA was followed by another bulky man, dad I suppose...too young to be dad.. maybe uncle...yeah, uncle! Next came the mom and the dad.. now that’s the dad for sure!

They all were received by my junta. Lot of artificial smiling and nodding of heads. Move on people! Go inside already! I am suffocating here! I have seen enuf!!! My curiosity is killed, for HEAVEN’S SAKE!

But they remained outside, one of my mamas leaning on the car and animatedly explaining some thing. TA’s ass right on my face! Knowing my mama, I knew it had to be boring as hell!

Finally they went inside! Phew! I think I would survive after all! I checked my pulse and the breathing was normal. I opened the door and quickly jumped out. Almost too quickly as I tripped on some of the flower pots, just when TA came charging out to get something from his car! He saw me with a BIG ‘question mark’ on his face. Without any ‘explanation mark’, I bolted out of the gate and ran to my neighbors house (where I should have originally been).

If interrogated, I had cooked up another story. But no one bothered to ask..Maybe TA was dumbfounded! I was to later find, TA was not DA! TA was DA’s younger brother and DA was the uncle! Poor Omega!

Does that mean something? *devils mind at work* I can swear that question mark look was meant to be romantic!

Continued……

When confronted with the above proverb and asked to comment on it, these were the few responses I got. These are by no means directly related to you as a person. They resulted out of my limited interactions with you. So sue me not!

Yogi: I am going to milk this 'Bipasha Basu' story till everyone starts crying. OSHO says Milk tastes better when licked from the….

Gorgeous: I am PMSing so I shouldn’t comment. But I still will- Oh please! What made you think I would be interested in this? I don’t drink milk coz I am Gorgeous fucking Diva!

Starfest: I like to make a big hue and cry even before the milk spills. And then think my familiy is going to drown me in milk or worse marry me off to a buffalo! Now let me watch Survivor in peace!

Wandy: ~Hey Bhagwan! ~ She is so busy with her physiological systems and manifestations of higher feelings, emotions that she cannot and should not cry over spilt milk~ She is trying to use cognitive reappraisal strategies to overcome this milky situation.

Elaichi Chai: I am pissed! I am pissed about milk! I am pissed about the cows! I am pissed with you! I am pissed that I am here in the first place! I am pissed that I might have to comment on this piss-off post!

Heretic: (promptly changes his name to - Dirty Dhoodwala) Milk? Boob? Where?

You hardly let me get out of the house.

You never let me wear short skirts and sleeveless tops.

You abuse me till my lips bleed and my skin peels.

You make me want to run far away to my parents.

You make me shiver and huddle up at the thought of you.

I have had enough of you for three long years.

Now I have decided to stand up and fight your brutal ways.

O Chicago Winter! I am going to overcome you this time around!

Few years ago, Beta gave me the password to his email id. He had to send this really important email and the server was down where he was. So he requested me to do so saying he would change the password as soon as his server was up. I am sure he might have tried other trustworthy people before finally asking me.

googoo!? What kind of a password was that and why didn’t I decipher it earlier? I guess I credited him with more novelty.

Like an angel, I sent the email to this professor and logged off immediately after scanning through his Inbox and seeing nothing interesting.

I could feel my halo transforming into horns and woops!.. was that a tail that just sprouted?

I quickly logged on again. This time I went straight to a folder called Pooch. Pooch?! ..very suspicious.

Bunch of emails from Quickiepoochie. What the holy f-word!!? Ok, I am just hoping I don’t open these mails to get nasty surprises- that too in my office. But of course, I still have to open them. Some irrelevant mushy rant about a sad life without him (who has been apparently baptized Gimbly). Tch tch...quite boring! Next.. drab!..next…next…

Till I chance upon Gimbly’s letter to Poochie. Usual sappy stuff (by now I have lost my appetite for days to come) and some dream interpretations (some sad skills Beta has) and some touchy common-friend issues (o my god, is this really my brother?)

Next para is about me!…Ahh! Finally some interesting stuff *eyes wider*

Amma told me that I didn’t put in too much effort & that’s why I didn’t get as much marks as Alpha. She thinks I spent too much time doing other stuff (wink wink). She thinks Alpha was really hardworking and clever.

Way to go ma! heh heh! Didn’t know she was so proud of me and so clairvoyant. *muah* Continued reading…

Unbelievable! What a traitor/loser/whiner! Why couldn’t he let her believe I did very well in college? Damn! My mom, she will kill me. And I’m going to butcher him before that! Gimbly, my left foot!!! I have to confront him..

Wait a min, I’m not supposed to be here, snooping around. Damn damn! What a delimma!

But seriously, how could he do that? Mainly, what would Poochie think of me?

My brother, Beta, maintains an active love life. I even see a pattern emerging. For understanding the next paragraph, basic Math is required (maybe a paper and pencil too). I have a sudden urge to prove my affiliation to the couple mentioned in the previous post. Some people actually doubted that.

Beta dates X for ‘n’ no. of years. During the (n-0.5n)^th year, he starts dating Y too. He takes ‘n/90’ days to decide if he should tell X to buzz off. Then he exclusively dates Y for another period of time ‘nx’ till he meets Z. Successive iterations and differential calculations would result in a ground-breaking formula I haven’t yet formulated.

Summary- My brother, Beta, maintains an active love life. I am close to being the next Ramanujam.

Boy goes groom hunting for his sister. He sees Girl’s photo in that potential-groom’s house. Convocation photo. In a black robe, she was clutching a rolled up certificate. Confident and demure. Beauty and brains rolled into one person, in one single photo. He was smitten. He forgot about his sister and potential-groom and wondered about the girl in the picture.

Marriage between the sister and PG never happened, shattering Boy's dreams of ever meeting his dream girl. Duets with her in Kashmir. In every dream sequence she had her convocation hat on. He even had nightmares of her marrying someone else who looked like Prem Chopra. Wakes up sweating profusely and switches on the fan.

When he could take it no more, he hired some detectives to trace her. Agent Kamala Mami (her punch line being " I’m Mami, Kamala Mami) and Super sleuth Venkatalakhsmi Mami ( she doesn’t have a punch line, coz I couldn’t come up with one). KM and VM spread their gossiping tentacles in far reaching family circles. In exactly two days, they have good news for Boy. Girl’s parents are looking around for a suitable groom. She belongs to his community and can make upma for 19 people. "But I don’t like upma", says Boy. "That’s Ok, I’ll adjust." That’s how much he loved her.

So meeting was scheduled. Boy meets Girl. Not alone obviously. Not just KM and VM, but the whole village was present. Everyone had vested interests and no other place to be. Girl steals some glances while bringing coffee. Girl takes an instant liking to him, doesn’t know why. It felt as though she sang and danced with him some where. Chi chi, such unbecoming thoughts. She blushes.

Boy has a request that throws every Ramu, Somu and Bhimu off guard.

‘Can I speak to the girl for a few minutes..... alone?’

After a panchayat-like discusion, throwing animated glances at Boy, the elders agree to this preposterous idea. They let them sit in the corner of the same room for three minutes.

Three minutes? What good was that? But this was what he had pined for. He had to make the best of the given situation.

He asked the one ultimate question he felt that would encompass all his apprehensions. The answer that would seal the deal.

'Excuse me, What is A plus B whole square?'

Girl though perplexed felt as though these were the weird ways of men.

Nonchalantly she replied,'A square plus B square plus two AB.'

"Thanks, I think I want to marry you. I hope you say yes". She’s good, he thought proudly to himself.

Needless to say, it was a "math" made in heaven. Its takes all sorts to marry and make merry.

I still don’t get it ma, how could you say yes to papa?!

But I am so glad you did. Today I am fondly thinking of this wonderful couple who gave me life and everything else to make it a beautiful one.