You hardly let me get out of the house.
You never let me wear short skirts and sleeveless tops.
You abuse me till my lips bleed and my skin peels.
You make me want to run far away to my parents.
You make me shiver and huddle up at the thought of you.
I have had enough of you for three long years.
Now I have decided to stand up and fight your brutal ways.
O Chicago Winter! I am going to overcome you this time around!
Few years ago, Beta gave me the password to his email id. He had to send this really important email and the server was down where he was. So he requested me to do so saying he would change the password as soon as his server was up. I am sure he might have tried other trustworthy people before finally asking me.
googoo!? What kind of a password was that and why didn’t I decipher it earlier? I guess I credited him with more novelty.
Like an angel, I sent the email to this professor and logged off immediately after scanning through his Inbox and seeing nothing interesting.
I could feel my halo transforming into horns and woops!.. was that a tail that just sprouted?
I quickly logged on again. This time I went straight to a folder called Pooch. Pooch?! ..very suspicious.
Till I chance upon Gimbly’s letter to Poochie. Usual sappy stuff (by now I have lost my appetite for days to come) and some dream interpretations (some sad skills Beta has) and some touchy common-friend issues (o my god, is this really my brother?)
Next para is about me!…Ahh! Finally some interesting stuff *eyes wider*
Amma told me that I didn’t put in too much effort & that’s why I didn’t get as much marks as Alpha. She thinks I spent too much time doing other stuff (wink wink). She thinks Alpha was really hardworking and clever.
Way to go ma! heh heh! Didn’t know she was so proud of me and so clairvoyant. *muah* Continued reading…
Then I told her- No Way! Alpha almost flunked becoz of that biker guy. I told her to bring out her report card and compare. She did and I was right. Then she started asking me about biker guy. She didn’t even know about the biker guy. hehehe. She was raging mad. But Alpha is in the US. So I guess it couldn't get too bad.
Unbelievable! What a traitor/loser/whiner! Why couldn’t he let her believe I did very well in college? Damn! My mom, she will kill me. And I’m going to butcher him before that! Gimbly, my left foot!!! I have to confront him..
Wait a min, I’m not supposed to be here, snooping around. Damn damn! What a delimma!
But seriously, how could he do that? Mainly, what would Poochie think of me?
My brother, Beta, maintains an active love life. I even see a pattern emerging. For understanding the next paragraph, basic Math is required (maybe a paper and pencil too). I have a sudden urge to prove my affiliation to the couple mentioned in the previous post. Some people actually doubted that.
Summary- My brother, Beta, maintains an active love life. I am close to being the next Ramanujam.
Boy goes groom hunting for his sister. He sees Girl’s photo in that potential-groom’s house. Convocation photo. In a black robe, she was clutching a rolled up certificate. Confident and demure. Beauty and brains rolled into one person, in one single photo. He was smitten. He forgot about his sister and potential-groom and wondered about the girl in the picture.
Marriage between the sister and PG never happened, shattering Boy's dreams of ever meeting his dream girl. Duets with her in Kashmir. In every dream sequence she had her convocation hat on. He even had nightmares of her marrying someone else who looked like Prem Chopra. Wakes up sweating profusely and switches on the fan.
When he could take it no more, he hired some detectives to trace her. Agent Kamala Mami (her punch line being " I’m Mami, Kamala Mami) and Super sleuth Venkatalakhsmi Mami ( she doesn’t have a punch line, coz I couldn’t come up with one). KM and VM spread their gossiping tentacles in far reaching family circles. In exactly two days, they have good news for Boy. Girl’s parents are looking around for a suitable groom. She belongs to his community and can make upma for 19 people. "But I don’t like upma", says Boy. "That’s Ok, I’ll adjust." That’s how much he loved her.
So meeting was scheduled. Boy meets Girl. Not alone obviously. Not just KM and VM, but the whole village was present. Everyone had vested interests and no other place to be. Girl steals some glances while bringing coffee. Girl takes an instant liking to him, doesn’t know why. It felt as though she sang and danced with him some where. Chi chi, such unbecoming thoughts. She blushes.
Boy has a request that throws every Ramu, Somu and Bhimu off guard.
‘Can I speak to the girl for a few minutes..... alone?’
After a panchayat-like discusion, throwing animated glances at Boy, the elders agree to this preposterous idea. They let them sit in the corner of the same room for three minutes.
Three minutes? What good was that? But this was what he had pined for. He had to make the best of the given situation.
He asked the one ultimate question he felt that would encompass all his apprehensions. The answer that would seal the deal.
'Excuse me, What is A plus B whole square?'
Girl though perplexed felt as though these were the weird ways of men.
Nonchalantly she replied,'A square plus B square plus two AB.'
"Thanks, I think I want to marry you. I hope you say yes". She’s good, he thought proudly to himself.
Needless to say, it was a "math" made in heaven. Its takes all sorts to marry and make merry.
I still don’t get it ma, how could you say yes to papa?!
But I am so glad you did. Today I am fondly thinking of this wonderful couple who gave me life and everything else to make it a beautiful one.
I’m back. So what if I didn’t even last for 10 days?! Sue me! I have the weakest resolve ever. I have a few contradicting stories about my overhyped hiatus. Pick whatever suits you.
An escapist’s theory-
Kailash was a pretty exotic place. (Note the usage of past tense). Majestic mountains in the background and Shiva and Parvathi dancing in the foreground. Man, they dance like their lives depend on it. I wish I had my camcorder. If they aren’t dancing they are watching MTV to pick up some different moves.
Then I see a rat (Ganesha’s- I presume) scurry past my feet. Yikes! I jump up on a mound and scream till my lungs burst (then I needed a lung transplant, we don’t get into that story here). Yeah, So this rat is looking at me venomously and the mound stirs!!! Jeez! Which is more dangerous, the stirring mound or the staring rat. I guess I’ll stay up here- going with the “ignorance is bliss” policy.
Many more rats congregate. They accuse me of dissecting them in my Biology lab 10 years ago. Yes, I remember. I felt bad then and I feel even shittier now. My Bio ma’am told me there were no repercussions to those actions. What would she know, she was Catholic.
I even cut some of their intestines and pretended they were bracelets before chucking them into the formaldehyde. Yeah that rat with the mole on his cheek, I remember him. He actually kicked his feet and shook his head even after I slit him completely. His heart was still pumping. Shudder shudder! Are they going to nibble on me now with revenge?
The mound I was standing on woke up and sat straight. I was thrown 50 miles away. It was Kumbhakarana waking up from his sleep.
I crash-landed in some other fancy suburb in heaven. I was glad that I escaped those killer rats before cockroaches and worms came looking for me. Here I recognized a lot of heavenly folks thanks to Amar Chitra Katha comics. Should remember to tell the good people in ACK that they did a great job. Vishnu was sitting on Adishesha, the snake, posing for some pictures to be sent to Thirupathi. Thirupathi it seems paid a heavy sum for his portfolio. I have to ask him this question that has been itching me all along. Are snakes comfortable to sit on?
But I asked him some mind boggling questions instead, When is he taking his tenth avatar? Is the political situation in the heavens affecting his policy making on earth? What does he feel about he younger generation relating to Harry Potter instead of Rama?
He was totally impressed by me and granted me a boon.
Oh when will these Gods learn! They fulfill random people's wishes, create demons and later regret.
I humbly asked to be granted to sent to earth. He okayed my wish but put in some clauses. I guess the Gods also learn from mistakes. He said he would monitor my computer activities. Mainly I would have to make sure Shiva doesn’t know. He printed out some twenty pages of rules and regulations, catches and claims. I signed the bottom and left for Blogville.
You are right Krithika, no escort service back. I had to hitch hike a ride back with Vayu.
A sadist’s theory-
Did you all really think Yama took me away? Hahahhoohahaha!!! Yama from Kai….hehehaha…wow..but still..wait..hahahahaha!
I made it up people! *clutches stomach and makes the final attempt to laugh* but is confronted with angry glares. (from Yama, ofcourse…*splutter* hahahahoohooohaha) You guys will believe just anything!
I was just fulfilling an old fetish. I always wanted to see how people would react to my death. Like, will they really miss me and stuff. So I set this up.
I think I am mighty pleased with my experiment. It has reaped results I wanted to see…exceeded expectations really. Thanks for involuntarily becoming the subjects for my path breaking research. You were the best guinea pigs I have ever tested on.
The underlying truth-
I was rotting in this murky rehab center established by Bloggers Anonymous when I got powerful urges to blog. My skin would creep and fingers would shake. I had nightmares of zonk boards and comment boxes. I wanted a whiff of blogdrive, a shot of rediffblog, a lick of blogspot. Anybody please get me some, or I’ll die!!! I was growing thinner and thinner. My brain was dead. Like a ray of light from cluster of leaves, I got a call from true friends. They were all set to get me out of this living hell. A plan was sketched and details were charted out. I painted my face and tiptoed out of my room into the arms of my accomplices, my true hommies, and my evil partners-in-crime. Since I am an escaped convict, I will have to operate under immense caution. In case I get caught and the authorities question me, I will have to spill out their names- Starfest, Yogi, Gorgeous, Nobody, and all the people who wrote comments and mailed me. It’s entirely your fault!!!
Tall, burly, stinky and impatient. He parked Nandi is some illegal area. I had to rush and guide him to another lot and lend him some quarters. Yama came home today, asked me to accompany him to Kailash. He had borrowed Shiv's vehicle as some animal-rights activists confiscated his buffalo.
‘Yes kiddo, its time to go’, he says swinging his club.
Me: But..but I have just arrived here. I can’t die a premature death! I can’t leave everyone in the lurch. I have so much more stuff to share with them. I also have family here- my twin, my son, my son's brother, daughter, to-be son-in-law, thatha.. even a grand uncle!
Yama: I know, I know. You are going quite overboard with this whole thing. I would have let you stay, if you had your priorities set.
Me: Priorities!!! How would you know what priorities are? You are the one who comes to Chicago dressed up in almost nothing. Do you know you could get the flu? I hope you brought some travelers insurance with you. And that Nandi of yours, be careful dude! People here eat anything and then they’ll sue you if they get Mad Cow disease.
Yama: Oh well, no need to get defensive here. According to Narad, I hear that you spend a lot of time blogging, commenting, leaving counter comments, (with a disgusting pause) and chatting! I hate to confess, but some of your stuff isn’t even funny or interesting.
Me: Hey hey! Back off! No personal attacks ok! So you’ve been reading all this uh? (flattered) Not funny? (stifling a sob) Patrix says I’m really funny!
Yama: Patrix needs to get a life (Yama said this Ok) But I don’t think anyone could be as addicted as you are! You are maybe spending like 3 hours on this. tch tch! Even if you say you distribute it over time, its like eating snacks throughout the day. You think that you do not eat much, but the reality is different. I should know. I was a snacker.
Me: hmmm..It shows! Plus did you say I’m addicted??? Shiva-shiva! Everyone’s addicted to something, Yamz. Starfest to sex, Wandy to her books, Yogi to onions. What the heck.. My husband watches football like breathing is secondary.
Yama: Did you notice your husband has even started following baseball ever since you started blogging? Poor guy! Hold on, I need to ask him what happened to the Tampa Bay scores.
While I am waiting, I contemplate (rare occurrence). Gee whiz, its come to this now!! I must be really slipping off. I have been putting off so many things. I have to get my act together- at work, at home, with friends, every damn where.
-need to catch up with office gossip (replace it with blog gossip)
-need to prepare for my professional licensing exam (so that I can have people sue me in future)
-need to prepare a plan for a house for my parents (the only people who trust my engineering capabilities)
-need to give more pep talks to my brother (try inducing havoc on his love life)
-need to spend quality time with my husband (read domestic violence)
-need to put some color on my untouched clean canvas (right now my easel has become a towel stand)
-need to read all the books that are longing to be picked
YES.. I’ve decided to go with Yama. Grudgingly but wisely. Adios wonderful bloggers!
If there was some calculation mistake in the heavens (you know, these computers), I will be back. Till then I’ll haunt you all. You all were just awesome till you became the cause of my death!
At this point I want to sympathize with Dilip Kumar in his deathbed (in the movies ofcourse), where he would have this never ending speech and show no inclinations of actually passing away.
It truly is difficult to let go.
Its really sad that Nudie decided to move. Its been a shock really. Not just to me but all those who knew and liked her. My meeting with Nudie was quite a coincidence, a sudden encounter if you must. Who would have thought that we would get so intimate?
A few months ago on that memorable day, I was talking to my friend on my cell phone and decided to play with my window blinds (as a sign of boredom). We usually don’t open the blinds of this particular window which faces the neighbor building. We like to be secretive about what we do in our bedroom. That day, I started scanning other people’s homes from their open windows.
But she didn’t disappoint us. She walked around naked, read her book naked, manicured naked and most of time scratched herself quite vigorously ( I know, it was not all that glamorous)…..till we got BORED! So we slept (I don’t know if hubby actually did).
The show didn’t stop there. Every night (cos we couldn’t see very clearly at daytime) we were regaled. Prancing and scratching in the nude. We started having more guests than ever before. They even brought out chairs and made themselves comfortable next to the window. Popcorn please!
Then there was this other woman (Creepy, is what we named her) who lives on the floor above Nudie who thought we were peeking into her house. She kept eyeing our window suspiciously. And I thought we were operating under immense discretion. This one time Creepy shut her blinds in anger. Huh?? Some issues you have missy! If only you knew what was going on under your snooty nose!
Maybe Nudie was an exhibitionist who loved to show off her assets. Maybe she was trying to woo someone in our building. Maybe she had psoriasis and couldn’t wear clothes. Who cared?!
But now, she’s left us forever. Some boring people have replaced Nudie and the blinds.
Suddenly, too many posts on ex-crushes, ex-loves, ex-cetra in people's blogs. So you would think I’m going to get all mushy and write my own comical tragedy. You thought right.
Summer of 90. (Do the math) The guy next door. The really tall guy next door. Dark and Handsome too. It doesn’t take much for a south Indian to be dark. You just need to be born in the vicinity. Yeah, back to my object of weak-knees. This object studied in my school, though much senior. Every morning, wandering eyes in the prayer assembly maneuvering through hundreds of heads and finally settling on his. Making unwarranted trips to the water fountain which happened to be next to his class-room. Reveling in my girlfriend’s teases, outwardly acting bugged. Stopping in my tracks and moving real slow (make that crawling) to catch his attention while he sat in the balcony oblivious to my antics. Playing volleyball with more vigor each time he passed.
Every evening at my apartment complex, he played cricket with some local bratty kids, almost half his age (consisting of my brother and his hommies). He would even pick up a fight everytime he got out. How cute, I thought! I couldn’t witness all this if I didn’t plaster my face to the window grill and cock my eyes to the extremities. I knew I would develop some kind of strange deformity if I didn’t think of a better plan.
So I took a mirror and stuck it to the glass pane with Fevicol. Now I could get an unadulterated, clear view of my Object prancing around. Sheer bliss.
Moms are generally inquisitive creatures. She wanted to know what that mirror was doing there. I conjured up some vague story about this Science project -"Effective Solar heating of a Bedroom". Ahem.. in Madras with all that er ..warmth, all we needed was a solar heater! Of course, she believed me.
For a while I didn’t even know this Object’s name. For that, I had to do something I could never dream of.
I had to take my brother’s help!! After battling with my mind, I decided it was worth the risk.
"My dumb darling brother! Er…*blush* I wanted to ask you..that if …. "
"His name is Arjun!" My brother shot back not moving his eyes from the video game.
"Wha-which-How??" Dumbfounded me stuttered.
"Yeah right! Arj told me to tell you! I guess he couldn’t take your silliness either. Eiyuck! So disgraceful. Get a grip moron!"
Shocked and flustered, I buried my self in trains and trains of thought. ‘How did he find out? Arjun, eh?’
The next few months gave me ample material for ‘FLAME’ tests. Yes! Ours would end in marriage.
Epilogue- If I knew his birthday, I’m sure I would've spent more constructive time on Linda Goodman. Never got the guts to approach him. He moved on, I moved on.
Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. Not the eating-an-apple-pie kinda sin. This is pure cold blooded, suspense filled, heart-stopping sin. I am a living hell because of that and will be till I konk off.
But I will not tell you what it is…hahahaha! *mocking laughter fills the room*
-End of short story-
Expert Analysis- Well, if you feel like banging your head against the nearest wall in frustration, my purpose has been served as well as Ms. Jhumpa Lahiri’s! After reading the Interpreter of Maladies, I fail to comprehend her purpose of leaving us in midair wondering what should happen in the end (of every single short story).
Kinda like snatching away the carrot-halwa after making you smell it. Or switching off the TV just before Aravind Swami runs away from the terrorists in ‘Roja’.
What kind of demented, sadistic mentality is that? I am the reader, I shouldn't be the one using my brains. Maybe I’m not up there with the literary souls who fell for this ploy and bestowed her with a Pulitzer. But I'll still read her next book, which I believe is on the way. She looks good.
It was during my final year of engineering. Cosmo was the happening bar/restaurant in our campus. It had just opened and the ambience was superb. Handsome hunks from hotel management frequented this place. More than that, the huge plasma screen TV showing MTV grind and other masala was the big attraction. The place was shit expensive too. But being cool was everything. Since we losers didn’t have boyfriends with fat wallets, we stuck around nursing a coke for 3 hours. Two cans of coke for the seven of us.
When I came out, I couldn’t find my Kine. Nah! That can’t be. Me being the cool cat and all, didn’t panic. I searched a little more. Knowing my absentmindedness, I looked in the neighboring parking lots as well. Ok now! Time to panic!!! Oh my God..Oh my God! Who could have stolen it??? What do I do?? Will my parents buy me another one??*verge of tears*
What a horrid day this has been.. I started tracing my way back to the morning when I locked my roommate inside (bolted the door and sealed it with the Godrej lock) obviously not realizing she was sleeping. She usually sleeps all day, but somehow she woke up that fateful day as she had an exam. Finding herself locked (courtesy me), she got mad! Not thanking me for a perfectly good excuse, she blamed me for not being able to take her exam. Things got so bad…I had to face the warden, the principal, her parent’s phone call. Yikes!!
AND NOW MY KINETIC WAS STOLEN! Anyway, the most logical thing to do, I took an auto to Cosmo to relate this misfortune to my friends and then probably go to the police station. Now I am usually oblivious to surroundings. But somehow I paid attention in the Cosmo parking lot. I noticed a huge gathering of people, a cop (maybe two) and quite a miserable chap. The chap was murmuring something about his stolen Kinetic.. Aha! Now my ears perked up. Another case! So there’s a serial kinetic robber in this town!
I was about to give my version- sobbing dramatically, when I noticed something really strange. My Kinetic!! In the parking lot, same place where I had parked it when I landed here with my friends.
Elation turns into mystery! Mystery turns into realization! Realization turns into shock! (you get the drift right?)
So now I know that I didn’t drive my Kinetic to the email center, I drove this poor dude’s! Actually I stole it! Gawd!!! Somehow my keys had worked on his vehicle…
Should I tell these people that his Kinetic is out there? Will they believe my story? I don’t think so!
So I run into the restaurant, consult with my friends and do the smartest thing I ever did. Start my Kinetic quickly and push off to the hostel without looking back. This time I made sure it was mine.
Next few nights, I had nightmares of fingerprints, prison bars and watery daal!
About what?
Yahoo id: ahydroxy
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