Pieces of the Puzzle

Wild Wild World

I love the outdoors/nature/wilderness. I want to retire in the mountains. In India, I have hiked in the Himalayas. While nothing can even come close to that experience, I have realized that every place is unique- waiting to be explored. We've done quite a bit of back-country hiking (far away from the maddening crowds).

Lessons learnt..

-All vague sounds from bushes and trees are not bears.

-All small animals scurrying away in the dark are not baby bears.

-Funny noises from inside the tent are snores, not rattle snakes.

-Its easy to dig a hole, but very difficult to aim your poop into it.

-Its better to wash your ass with water than carry used TP out.

-Smashed bread & cheese two days old doesn’t taste very good, even if you are tired and hungry.

-Its better going downhill than uphill.

-Distances are deceiving. Just two more miles is quite a bit of a haul.

-When you are ready to swim, the water is frigid.

-It always will rain when you don’t want it to.

-When you cant have shower for days, you learn to use 'wet-ones' to clean critical areas.

-Breaking the handle of your toothbrush saves a few ounces.

-You back-pack never gets lighter by the 3^rd day after you’ve eaten some food.

-You will never find what you need when you need it. Hold on Mr. Bear, I’m searching for the bear-spray!

-Lastly, you are hooked to wilderness, there's no cure! Sightseeing trip to NY..naah!

I wrote this travelogue as soon as I got back from our first hike in the US. Its close to my heart. Read it when you find time.

Compliment???

My purple lips curl with evil intent. Eyes spooky white. Eye balls wander off in an orbit of their own, one facing north and the other northeast. Flaring nostrils in a crooked nose. Golden-green skin. How the heck did green get there! I hate the way I look. Is there a way I can salvage this? Overall, I might have given Amrish Puri a run for his money.

He takes a few steps back. Stares attentively, cocks his head to the right, squints & nods slightly.

‘Nice play with the colors there. An uncanny resemblance" says Jeff, my art instructor. "That’s one awesome self-potrait."

Family Snipp-its (Part II)

...Continued from previous post.

A week later I had to get back to the rigmarole of college and hostel life. I heard that mom did get her way much to my delight. I regretted not being there to witness the balding and the aftermath.

Summer Break, 4 months later..

Central Station. I was apprehensively searching for a familiar face, my forehead and nose pressed against the grimy window bars of the train. Crowds of scurrying people, kids being dragged, smiles and hugs, sea of red coolies, smell of idli-vada. I got hungry; the thought of mom’s cooking warmed my senses even more. Just then, a coolie picked up my luggage and started running out of the compartment.

Sped after him and jumped to the platform. He started to haggle. "30 rupees madam".

"No baba I don’t want a coolie", I tried to explain.

Ok ma, 27 rupees, not a paisa less!

"What the heck. My brother is coming to pick me up; I do not need you Mr. Coolie"

"Fine! 26 ruppes. Special rate only for you!" He furiously yanks the red towel from his shoulder, rolls it and places it on his head. Seats my bag on that cushion before I could protest further.

Jeez! Guess he can’t understand Tamil though he speaks it. I tried French. "Parle Français? S'il vous plaît m'excuser."

It worked. He dropped my bags and walked away scratching his head.

Looked around for my dumb brother. I bet he decided to leave me stranded to repay me for some old altercation. Wait till I get home and tell dad.

On top of it, there was this specimen of a guy who was looking at my direction and approaching me. Really tall and lanky, an earring, the weirdest looking hairstyle one could imagine (like crop circles in a paddy field, he had saved some designs onto his head), yellow netted baniyan and a red bandana around his neck.

Disgustingly Gross!!! What has Madras come to? These rowdies are getting worse by the day!

I tried to ignore him, slowly glancing back in that direction after 5 seconds. Good gracious! Now he is waving at me and grinning. I turned around to look if there was a potential wave receiver. Yikes! It was me!!

Alpha run!!

I picked my heavy bags and tried to walk out of the station as quickly as I could cursing my brother for not making it.

"Alpha! Alpha!"

OMG! The Creep knows my name- such a sick voice too!!

Before I could scream for help, he jumped in front of me, tapped my head and started hurling familiar abuses. I then came to realize that this weirdo was my brother- Beta! Aaaargghh!

Collected myself though it was hard. From the last time I saw Beta- he had shot up a few inches, sprung a scanty growth on his upper lip, broke his voice apart from this absurd hairstyle and clothes.

"So this is your new look uh? I bet the girls dig it." I asked sarcastically.

"Yup! Groovy na! Mom can’t say a thing! Remember? I walk around the neighborhood like this. Mom says she needs a disguise to step out of the house. Hehe!"

I can only imagine. On my insistence we took separate autos home.

Family Snipp-its (Part I)

The curtain opens in the past, some years ago. My family is seated at the dinner table- Beta- teenage younger brother; Gamma- mom; Kappa- dad.

Beta: Give me a break Ma! You promised MY precious hair as an offering, if your prayers were answered!!!? What does that mean?

Gamma: Oh God! You shouldn’t talk like that. I only prayed because of you. You had fever. You were suffering. *glazed eyes*.

Beta: Maa! It was a simple fever. Even so, its you who prayed. You are welcome to shave your head off. Sorry, I’m NOT doing that! Plus I am not extremely excited about that hairstyle. Think about my reputation in school.

Me: This could actually help your looks, you know!

Beta: Will someone tell Alpha to shut up! Better still, get her married off!!

Gamma: *tearing now* what ungrateful children I have. Nobody cares about my feelings. HE will punish us, our family. All my prayers…*sob sob*

Kappa: Hearing commotion and taking a break from his train of thoughts involving office. Yeah, what was that again?

Accesses the situation quickly

Oh ho! Not that hair topic again. Please people, move on. Leave him alone, Gamma!

Wrong choice of words. More tears from mom. Dad quickly recovers and salvages the situation.

No No, Beta. Don’t talk like that to your mom. She has your best interests in mind.

quotes a Sanskrit shloka about moms and respect

The hair will grow back. Ask Alpha! *laughs mockingly*

Next month it is. You will go to Thirupathi and get your hair shaved off. And I don’t want to hear any more regarding this issue!!

goes back to thinking about his project deadlines

Gamma: Not Thirupathi ..Guruvayur…Aiyoo! Now you said Thirupathi..We might have to do that one too…incase Lord Venkateswara gets angry!

Beta: WHAT??? This is insane! Papaaa! She didn’t even consult me before having this deal with God.

Puts up a brave fight. Doesn’t work against the united forces. Beta finally succumbs. BUT, he has some conditions.

"You will not object to any hairstyle after I have shaved my head off."

Gamma: *wiping away tears and beaming* Sure my Beta! Do whatever you want after that.

Kappa: *Burrrp*

Gamma thinks she won the battle. But, did she? Does Beta get his revenge? Find out in the next post.

To be continued……

For a 5 year old...

For a 5 year old, I was very ambitious. Wanted the same kinda fringe Kay had. How some of her hair covers her forehead and makes her look so cute. Wanted the same damn thing. Told mom, she would hear none of it. So when they had left me alone at home to go shopping, I brought a chunk of hair to the front of my face and cut it. Chopity chop!

For a 5 year old, I had pretty good skill-set with the scissors (maybe my future career). Loved the new hair cut, flaunted around the mirror for half an hour. Was so proud of myself. All the first graders would love it, but somehow I didn’t think my mom would.

For a 5 year old, I was quite an obedient parent fearing child. Something had to be done before they came home. Had to get rid of this fringe before she got rid of me. I had enough hair in the back, what could go wrong. She’ll never know. Hehehe *a snicker at the thought of a dumb mom*. I, being very good with the scissors now, cut the whole thing (little by little) till I thought I had gotten rid of it.

For a 5 year old, I had the brains of a jackass. Now there was a huge patch of really short stubbly hair at the front & long hair at the back.. like a south Indian temple priest.

Rest is history! I had to sport the sexy Vin Diesel look for a while…which felt like eternity!

Ouch!

My friend who is a nurse at a local hospital shares this amazing story. This man comes to see the doctor. He won’t sit down, was quite uncomfortable even standing up. On further investigation, it was discovered that he had a Barbie doll shoved up his ..er.. ass!!! Now poor Barbie wasn’t in a position to come out, even if she desperately wanted to. Her hands were stuck inside the hallowed portals.

Poor Latha Kamath

Latha Kamath was my classmate in school. Her dad owned a clothes store. No ordinary store this. This was the only ready-made clothes store in our village. Headless mannequins wearing colorful salwar suits, transparent dupattas neatly pinned to them forming a V at the front. From the ceiling hung more dresses, lacy & frilly. Inside a glass case, were plastic busts donned with bras. Sarees were tied to each other and decoratively dangled from the board up front which said "Kamath’s Garment Center" in big bold green letters.

We never bought any clothes from Kamath uncle. Our weekly 'city' trips would take care of our outfit purchases. I guess we didn’t think much of the little store. One day my mom decided to take me to Kamath uncle’s store to get me a bra! Don’t know why in the world she couldn’t wait to get to the city. After an arguement, I was dragged much to my chagrin & embarrassment. I didn’t want anyone knowing about this, especially the Kamath family.

Kamath uncle beams on seeing us enter the store.

"Hello Hello Madam! Come in, come in!"

This was my first experience in buying bras. My mom always took care of that awkward detail for me. I never had to be present…until this fateful day!

I have to tell you here that Kamath uncle has no assistants. No friggin lady assistants with whom you can confide your darkest secrets.

Pretty unfazed, my mom gets to the point and asks for the garment in question- "size-ab-c, please." (Admirable! She is used to this I guess).

Kamath uncle doesn’t waste any time," No Madam, I am sure you are not ab-c. You are bigger. You must be ef-g. I have the right one for you. Here." He pulls out a bunch of ef-g.

Yikes! Was I hearing this right? This man checked out my mom???!!!..and he is admitting it too!!?

Oh well, the torture doesn’t end there. My mom doesn’t pull me by the arm and drag me out of the store indignantly. She had the audacity (is what I called it then) to say that its for me and not for her.

I shriveled to the bottom-most shelf. Good Lord, take me! Don’t leave me to suffer like this!

Now he doesn’t just give the bloody ab-c. He has to check me out too!

"Oh sure sure! ab-c will be right. My Latha wears gh-i."

I was mortified! That does it!!!! None of us are ever coming here again! This guy takes his job too seriously.

I couldn’t wait for school the next day. I had to report this incident (later found it amusing) about Latha’s dad to all my girl friends. Every single one had undergone uncle Kamath’s scrutiny!

Think America!

Rented & watched "Bowling for Columbine". It was more of a documentary. A very strong documentary on gun control in America. Gut wrenching and thought provoking. Really stirred some passion. The movie has taken the extreme case- scenario and condemned this country as a whole. I can vouch that its not like that everywhere and not everybody I know wields a gun randomly. But it’s true to a large degree. I'm not sure if any one would change their mind after watching this movie, but it sure would make them think! I hope they make it mandatory for every American to watch this movie. Michael Moore rocks!

But I do hope my dad doesn’t get a hold of it. He’ll feel like he just proved his point on how crazy Americans are and how we shouldn’t have left India in the first place. He has a valid point and I have mine. I’m waiting for a tide.

Here are some statistics. They may not be accurate as I put them together haphazardly.

10,000- Number of Iraqi civilians killed in the war

320- Number of American soldiers killed

940,000 – Number of Uranium missiles Iraq was exposed to

1.08 billion- U.S. military spending per day in dollars

76- Number of times US has used its veto

1- Number of countries that have used nuclear weapons against another country

405- Days for next election

The Ancestral Curse

Scene I

Baldy and girl friend, who is also bald, are eloping. Their love story is irrelevant. What’s more crucial is that the girl friend is pregnant – with Baldy’s kids. They have to marry before society starts pointing feathers at them. They reach the Garuda temple, panting and puffing and tie the knot.

Ecstatic and anxious, they now want to settle down somewhere far from flocking relatives. They reach the vast plains near Peoria, Illinois. Beautiful country side, not a soul in site. Baldy finds a lovely spot for their abode, an overhang from a tall cliff. Mrs. Baldy is not too pleased. She says she might get vertigo, especially now that she is expectant. "Don’t be silly, darling", says Baldy, "You are an eagle!!" Saying thus, Baldy spreads his mighty wings and soars to the top of the cliff. His bride follows him. They build a nest, lay eggs, hatch them, hunt for rats (in that precise order).

They live in marital bliss.

Scene II

Corporate setting. In a conference room, five human beings are huddled over long drawing sheets. Indignant Environmentalist, Smug Environmentalist Chela, Irritated Client, Exasperated Boss & Shocked me.

There was no other way. Now the road alignment will have to take a deviation and these plans will have to change. Geometry, profile, cross-sections.. everything! 2 months of hard work.. gone!

Me (stifling a sob): What?? But Why??

Boss: Because we have impacted someone’s property. We are within one mile radius.

Me: Whose? Hugh Hefner’s?

Envo: No! Baldy’s.

Chela: Yes miss.. Baldy and family just moved in.

Envo: (with authority) According to Bald Eagle Protection Act of 1940, you cannot build anything within 1 mile radius of the birds nest. You could get sued.

Chela: Yes Yes!

Me: (shit shocked) What in the name of holy Tarzan?!! We are talking of one eagle here, not a colony of them right? Why cant we give Baldy some kind of relocation package, a huge compensation, truckload of worms?? Are eagles sensitive to this? I mean, he wont even know the road is coming up from his perch.

Boss:(cough) Ahem.. Eagles have good vision.

Envo: Anyway, since mankind *pauses and looks vehemently at us* almost succeeded in making the bald eagle population almost extinct, we cannot let such atrocious acts take place. Do you know that population of the bald eagle was 417 in all the 48 states put together in 1963.

Chela: In 1963 ..imagine that!

Client: (Worried) Oh no! No sue woo! You guys- you consultants! Do the necessary changes. We need this in a month OK.

Boss: Sure sure Mr. IC! We’ll take care of it. No problem. Eagles have rights, especially the bald ones. American symbol and all. Alpha and team will work on changing the geometry etc., don’t worry. And um er.. supplementary costs?

Scene III

One week later, in Baldy’s nest. Mrs. Baldy, plucking her feathers looks coyly at her husband, "Kids are getting bigger & balder, I think we should move soon, dear."

"Sure sexy, in 3 weeks."

This is based on a true story. Alpha is working hard unaware of Baldy’s devious plans.

Back to the Future

My life is well chronicled. Sometime in the future, some 9000 years later, somebody will excavate the earth and find the yahoo servers... like the rosetta stone. They will run some fancy algorithm on the data and figure out that ancient Alpha people took a lot of pictures with the advent of the digital camera and shared it liberally among others in the civilization.

Major uproar and excitement. Museums will compete for these photographs. Leorama da Macha will take a liking to me. He will paint my picture and become famous. The painting, Alphalisa, will capture millions of hearts. I will become a household name. Soon there will be bathroom curtains, dustbins, chaddis and even dildos which would bear my face.

*Shudder* Somehow the story lost its track somewhere!

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Pieces of the Puzzle

Wild Wild World

Compliment???

Family Snipp-its (Part II)

Family Snipp-its (Part I)

For a 5 year old...

Ouch!

Poor Latha Kamath

Think America!

The Ancestral Curse

Back to the Future

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