Pieces of the Puzzle

For a 5 year old, I was very ambitious. Wanted the same kinda fringe Kay had. How some of her hair covers her forehead and makes her look so cute. Wanted the same damn thing. Told mom, she would hear none of it. So when they had left me alone at home to go shopping, I brought a chunk of hair to the front of my face and cut it. Chopity chop!

For a 5 year old, I had pretty good skill-set with the scissors (maybe my future career). Loved the new hair cut, flaunted around the mirror for half an hour. Was so proud of myself. All the first graders would love it, but somehow I didn’t think my mom would.

For a 5 year old, I was quite an obedient parent fearing child. Something had to be done before they came home. Had to get rid of this fringe before she got rid of me. I had enough hair in the back, what could go wrong. She’ll never know. Hehehe *a snicker at the thought of a dumb mom*. I, being very good with the scissors now, cut the whole thing (little by little) till I thought I had gotten rid of it.

For a 5 year old, I had the brains of a jackass. Now there was a huge patch of really short stubbly hair at the front & long hair at the back.. like a south Indian temple priest.

Rest is history! I had to sport the sexy Vin Diesel look for a while…which felt like eternity!

My friend who is a nurse at a local hospital shares this amazing story. This man comes to see the doctor. He won’t sit down, was quite uncomfortable even standing up. On further investigation, it was discovered that he had a Barbie doll shoved up his ..er.. ass!!! Now poor Barbie wasn’t in a position to come out, even if she desperately wanted to. Her hands were stuck inside the hallowed portals.

Baldy and girl friend, who is also bald, are eloping. Their love story is irrelevant. What’s more crucial is that the girl friend is pregnant – with Baldy’s kids. They have to marry before society starts pointing feathers at them. They reach the Garuda temple, panting and puffing and tie the knot.

Ecstatic and anxious, they now want to settle down somewhere far from flocking relatives. They reach the vast plains near Peoria, Illinois. Beautiful country side, not a soul in site. Baldy finds a lovely spot for their abode, an overhang from a tall cliff. Mrs. Baldy is not too pleased. She says she might get vertigo, especially now that she is expectant. "Don’t be silly, darling", says Baldy, "You are an eagle!!" Saying thus, Baldy spreads his mighty wings and soars to the top of the cliff. His bride follows him. They build a nest, lay eggs, hatch them, hunt for rats (in that precise order).

They live in marital bliss.

Corporate setting. In a conference room, five human beings are huddled over long drawing sheets. Indignant Environmentalist, Smug Environmentalist Chela, Irritated Client, Exasperated Boss & Shocked me.

There was no other way. Now the road alignment will have to take a deviation and these plans will have to change. Geometry, profile, cross-sections.. everything! 2 months of hard work.. gone!

Me (stifling a sob): What?? But Why??

Boss: Because we have impacted someone’s property. We are within one mile radius.

Me: Whose? Hugh Hefner’s?

Envo: No! Baldy’s.

Chela: Yes miss.. Baldy and family just moved in.

Client: (Worried) Oh no! No sue woo! You guys- you consultants! Do the necessary changes. We need this in a month OK.

Boss: Sure sure Mr. IC! We’ll take care of it. No problem. Eagles have rights, especially the bald ones. American symbol and all. Alpha and team will work on changing the geometry etc., don’t worry. And um er.. supplementary costs?

One week later, in Baldy’s nest. Mrs. Baldy, plucking her feathers looks coyly at her husband, "Kids are getting bigger & balder, I think we should move soon, dear."

"Sure sexy, in 3 weeks."

This is based on a true story. Alpha is working hard unaware of Baldy’s devious plans.

My life is well chronicled. Sometime in the future, some 9000 years later, somebody will excavate the earth and find the yahoo servers... like the rosetta stone. They will run some fancy algorithm on the data and figure out that ancient Alpha people took a lot of pictures with the advent of the digital camera and shared it liberally among others in the civilization.

Major uproar and excitement. Museums will compete for these photographs. Leorama da Macha will take a liking to me. He will paint my picture and become famous. The painting, Alphalisa, will capture millions of hearts. I will become a household name. Soon there will be bathroom curtains, dustbins, chaddis and even dildos which would bear my face.

*Shudder* Somehow the story lost its track somewhere!

Ahh! The curses of a weekend. Entertaining outta-town guests, compulsory sight-seeing for the nth time, bar-hoping, getting sloshed and migraines, watching a Tamil movie and soulful regrets, eating crap and stomach upsets.

My weekends have always been busier than my weekdays as far as I can remember. I correct myself- since the time I moved to Chicago. Hubby and I have been hosting guests every weekend. Friends, friend’s friends, friends wives, friend’s dads, not-so-friends, out-of-blue-friends, long lost friends. Its not even funny anymore.

Where were all these people when I lived in Gainesville? Did they not like me then? I figured, it’s the place and not me. Chicago being the big ass city. People of all kinds- some come for conferences, some come for orientations, some for sightseeing, some on a layover, a teeny few come actually to see me and then of course while they are at it, why not check out the city?! They better start giving me discounts at the Sears observatory deck, the Signature Lounge at the 95^th floor of Hancock, the blues bars, museums (yeesh!), boat rides…

We’ve have had our share of really cool people and extremely quirky ones. Here’s a short list of Weird Guests we’ve had in the past.

Gropy Despo: Brings a white-trash girl friend who is twice his size. Tattoos & piercing covering every inch of exposed body parts. She has many dads, moms and siblings she hasn’t met. One brother in jail and she thinks he is better off there as he gets food. GD and this ‘creature’ make out on our couch!

The Uncivilized: Never met him before. Happens to ‘know’ a person we ‘know’. Sings hideously all the time. Washes his undies and asks me to fold them when they dry up. Probably must thank God I didn’t have to wash them.

Exterminator: Pours coffee on our couch (yeah the same one) and breaks our closet door (wonder what he wanted from the closet). Also detaches a tile from kitchen floor and kills the microwave.

The Picky Devourer: Orders breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner (obv. Not from outside). Has very specific preferences. Is allergic to most food. Is a Pepsi person and cannot have the Coke I bought.

Over Enthusiastic Tourist: Keeps an alarm set to 5 am. Has come armed with an agenda for the day that covers stuff I would do in a year. Doesn’t feel too bad to wake up the hosts. Forget breakfast.. forget bath.. just drive me to this museum.. Quick!

We are booked till October 24^th. The only times we don’t have guests is when we leave the city on vacation.

I miss the weekends I used to know. I miss lounging out in the couch - doing nothing.  And yeah, I disinfected the couch.