Sham over Shame
‘Hey Alpha! Did you check the main notice board, your name is there!’
Oh wow! What did I accomplish now? I never cease to amaze myself. I am too good to be in this college, too good for my friends, too good for my teachers (there’s a song like this na?). I better find a mansion for my Ego. I guess my head is big enough.
I saunter to the notice board with my nose upturned. Kiss my rotten toe nail, ye Earthlings! Move over, THE ME has arrived!
Yes! My unisex name was there…in the list of Losers. I had attendance shortage in …Chemistry! Holy Allen Solly! I thought I had done the calculations right. I had hoped to scrap through the 75%. Of course I wasn’t going to attend a class more than what was required. Surely not Chemistry!
Crabby Chemistrywala had taken away 1/67th of my happiness in life. There was no way out of this. I have to get a doctor’s certificate. Dammit!
A fraction of happiness returned when I saw my good friend, Distirani’s name in the list too. I am sure she’ll make a hue and cry of this and will blame me for it, but at least I have company.
Hell Broke Loose! Distirani was inconsolable. She would be ostracized by her family. She had never gotten into trouble like this before. She has to write the exams- her distinction is at stake! No one in her entire khandhan had attendance shortage before!
Excuse me! You would think my family is known for bunking classes. Must ask my dad/ granddad/ granduncle someday about this.
Some kind veteran senior guys consoled her (what about me guys?). ‘Don’t worry Distu baby, you just need a doc’s certificate and you’re scott free. Go to apna faithful Shamu’s clinic.’
With that new found knowledge, we bid them adieu and proceeded to Dr. Shamu. What will we tell him? We’ll have to fake some illness and explain that we lost our original doc’s certificate. Yeah, both of us lost it in the recent tornado. Distirani conveniently said she wouldn’t lie and I had to do the acting. Sure sure! Do I have a choice here? I have to help the downtrodden. Again, the chorus- I am too good for my…
So we drive to his clinic, park my vehicle, gingerly walk into his office, Disti behind me peering from my shoulders.
Motu Shamu detects our presence, doesn’t lift his head from the magazine,’ Yes, from what time to what time?’
‘Err.. Time? August 31st to September 10th.’
'Names please?'
I am quite shocked at this point. What about the explanation we had rehearsed? I recover quickly ‘Oh yes yes.. Alpha.. Alpha Hydroxy and Distirani Firstclasswali.
He gets down to business. Writes down two certificates and slams them in front of us. I had bronchitis and Disti had viral fever. And in a mater-of-fact way he adds ’And that would be 20 bucks each.’
This was too good to be true. Is this guy an actual doctor? By now I was coughing violently and my friend’s eyeballs and tongue had popped out. Maybe she got the viral fever.
When we went guiltily to submit this form at the counter, we were surprised to find a huge pile of med certificates next to the peon- every single one bearing the letter-head of Dr. Shamu Pai. Our man seemingly had made a shit load of money that month.
Shucks! That would have been just 80 bucks more if I had spent my time more constructively instead of attending Electronics, Maths, Elements of Mechanical Engineering and what’s that other class again?
Thursday, December 04, 2003 |
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| Pleomorphous December 7, 2003 10:58 PM PST  Dear Alphie, my exams got over last month. Didnt I tell you that in a mail when I asked why you went with Yama? | ||
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| alpha December 7, 2003 08:31 PM PST Ec: Every dog has its day. Vani: Thank! They made doctors ghurkas or what? Maya: Pose as rich housewives??? woah! Thats quite kinky.*shakes head in disbelief* BL:Arey, itna bhi nahin samajtha tum..I am a cobbler. Somer: Cool mom and all. jeez, my mom wud've freeaked out if I had friends like that..little did she know.. Wolf: Is that a standard to set? the poor impressionable minds. maha honored to add the twist in your blog. Manilal& Sons: err...u need to talk to my agent..i.e. the goat. Sirpy: Now now..I cant having you walk around getting possessed by all kinds of creatures like this. But at least you seem to have made peace with me. Now how about reading some Manilal & Sons two times a day to improve you jokes. btw, hostel was in college itself ..so there is no question of going to college. Diya: Ironically we turned out good (or did I?) Krithika/Pleo: Dont you have other things (such as EXAMS) to use your overactive/supersleuthy/hyperclever brain on? But me is maha impresed and glad that you dont sleep during my blog sessions. So I will let you on this secret- Hydroxy is not my real last name...and the doctor was a dud...shh! Suds: Crabby and proxy were mutually exclusive. | ||
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| suds December 7, 2003 04:36 PM PST alphy....hadn't you ever heard of anything called the proxy??? A proxy a day, keeps the doctor away... | ||
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| Pleomorphous December 7, 2003 12:51 PM PST Drat!! How did I miss that surname thingie?? *slaps forehead* | ||
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| Krithika December 7, 2003 03:33 AM PST Incidentally, that happens to be the Fiftieth comment and incidentally again, it belongs to me. *Standing Ovation from fellow bloggers* | ||
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| Krithika December 7, 2003 03:32 AM PST Message from the Society of Scatterbrained people: You'd mentioned that your name was Alpha Hydroxy. For Hydroxy to be your Surname, your father must be Mr.Kappa Hydroxy. In that case, the psychatrist would have addressed your parents as Mr. and Mrs. Hydroxy and not as Mr.and Mrs.Kappa. Regards, SOS Brained People | ||
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| Diya December 7, 2003 02:58 AM PST is nt that always the story!!! every child in our family including me has been short of attendance atleast one in their lives.. and ironically enough none is an engineer ;) | ||
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| Diya December 7, 2003 02:57 AM PST is nt that always the story!!! every child in our family including me has been short of attendance atleast one in their lives.. and ironically enough none is an engineer ;) | ||
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| Luna Lovegood December 7, 2003 12:43 AM PST And Alpha pz dont mix me up with someone named Krithika,coz I am one and the only looney luna.Dont worry,I dont play kabbadi,maybe the practice of being in the official tutting team to go the states had made me one. | ||
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| Luna Lovegood December 7, 2003 12:33 AM PST Och,Alpha,Cutiing classes.Tut,tut,that is too wrong.And that too selected classes?Grave mistake. You should never cut classes.It is better to cut college as a whole day.Why go to college just for the sake of a few periods?It is a waste of our precious time,energyand what not.Always rememberSwami Blokeananda's srishtis, "If you want to go to college,go to college,and if you dont want to go to college,do not go.Om Shanti" | ||
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| manilal & sons December 6, 2003 07:28 PM PST would you write for our next joke book series?please. we might even name it Alpha-brand jokes. | ||
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| The Steppenwolf December 6, 2003 01:48 PM PST In my third year, I never attended a single class, under the pretext of being a "cultural secretary" :-D ! BTW.. been reading your blog since a real long time now.. And todaty am adding your link.. thought I'll just let you know :) ! | ||
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| Somersault December 6, 2003 09:37 AM PST oh me needs to tell u this incident. my frnd once fell short of attendance. she cudnt tell this to her parents, so i took my mum. mommy, the coolest, went there and pretended to b her's... and made the stupid Dept. Head's mouth shut! hohohoho! | ||
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| Beautiful Life December 6, 2003 06:03 AM PST Are you doctor :/ I read so many posts. Kabhi chemistry, kabhi Alpha. But I don't wht exactly you do. | ||
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| Maya December 6, 2003 03:22 AM PST A new store opened a few minutes walk away from the college. Hep and all. Used to bunk classes, wear our seniors saris, use a untraceable accent, pose as rich housewives, flirt with the handsome salesguy, have chai,get to try out all the trendy stuff & leave saying we'll send the driver. miss those days... | ||
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| vani shiroor December 6, 2003 12:13 AM PST Hey Alpha, read Ur entries. ..... Good Ones. This particular one about attendence, took me back in time when in final year of bachelors, I had to salute a doc down the street. Bunking the classes were worth it though.... | ||
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| elaichi chai December 5, 2003 11:13 PM PST u agreed with what i said ?! ..damn ...a first .. | ||
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| AmitL December 5, 2003 10:03 PM PST *Clap Clap Clap* to u for passing,inspite of all those 'illnesses'.Please put ur scorecard on a post,one of these days??:):) | ||
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| Patrix December 5, 2003 06:58 PM PST ohno...like everyone else, my kids are gonna take me for a ride too.. | ||
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| alpha December 5, 2003 03:37 PM PST Pats: That you would do, mr. mean parent! | ||
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| Patrix December 5, 2003 12:18 PM PST why stop at 99%...make Chhota(i) alpha go to school on weekends too...extra credit :) | ||
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| alpha December 5, 2003 11:36 AM PST tut: please stick to ur joke books, i am sure they are good (if they are comparable to my blog). also keep tutting to bare minimum. | ||
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| tut tutter December 5, 2003 10:28 AM PST * also wonders if man with pet goat's goat can play kabadi* | ||
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| tut tutter December 5, 2003 10:25 AM PST *wonders if Alphu baby is this Alphu-like in real life, or does s/he comes to blog with joke books published by Manilal and Sons Press?* | ||
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| man with pet goat December 5, 2003 09:26 AM PST When one skips too many classes, one is destined to not know as much as everyone who attended all the classes. | ||
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| alpha December 5, 2003 09:20 AM PST its prolly true EC..no one aankh utaoed when they saw so many Samu certs. | ||
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| alpha December 5, 2003 09:18 AM PST tut tutter: nee tut panna koodadhu. U a kabbadi player? Krithika: Lucky bum! But I guess not having Shamu is sad. So we cancel out. Patrix: Chhota(i) Alpha will have my hubby's genes and we as parents will relax. The kid will have 99 % attendence. AmitL; After that attendance only went downhill. Every semester I was down with Ameobid dysentry, malaria, gingivitis. But I passed all my subjects. *stop applauding now* Jill: When u said Princie, i thot Pleo..hehe. But u turned out be some lil devil eh! Keep it up! Guessboy: wow, thats easier. lived all over the universe, chennai too. Heretic: No wonder you are so above yourself. *bows* Madhu: So u pay 20 or 200 in the end?? *confused* VG: Oye man! U still around? Company doing good? Maybe its it the lucky stars....*sigh* Somer: Nahin re, didnt bother to ask. I decided it wasnt worth the risk. BL: No wonder my parents wanted me to be a doc so that i wud help my kids. Pleo: thats how it shud normally go...but in my case it starts off bad.. Maya: Tried coffee? Do I have that kind of effect? but thanks. Nobody: I am glad you stepped into my guardian role without any notice. Guardians shudnt dissappear as and when they please. | ||
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| elaichi chai December 5, 2003 09:18 AM PST ur Shamu was prolly in with the doc on this one ...blacklisting ppl ..and then accpeting everyone's reasons from the same doc ... he cudve even had a nexus with the college ! ...sab subjects ke certis ... | ||
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| Nobody December 5, 2003 07:27 AM PST Cutting class?? Tch, tch, tch, Alpha! I feel let down... | ||
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| Maya December 5, 2003 07:02 AM PST hi alpha, Afternoons when i am really sleepy i read yr blog. i can easily identify with the stuf you write, thanks for taking so much of your time .Beleive me its worth it. | ||
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| Pleomorphous December 5, 2003 05:12 AM PST I was scared in the first year. So had a high attendance of 90+. I was wiser in second year, but still careful, so 80+. I was least bothered in the third year. 50+ and got away with it *grin* | ||
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| Beautiful Life December 5, 2003 05:08 AM PST I gotta original doctors in my family. But never gotta chance of showing the fake certifictes. :D | ||
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| Somersault December 5, 2003 03:41 AM PST so did u find out if it runs in ur family or not? | ||
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| speed December 5, 2003 01:36 AM PST Tut tutter?? Anyway, that would be N. | ||
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| VG December 5, 2003 12:56 AM PST Sheesh we were never pushed to have adevntures of this kind. I always got away with 10/20/30% attendence and didnt pay a single pie too :)) | ||
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| madhu December 5, 2003 12:43 AM PST 20 bucks is what I pay when I have attendance shortage.Hey thats a cool deal.Better than paying up 200 bucks a subject.Nice to know it happens in other places too | ||
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| heretic December 5, 2003 12:07 AM PST All thru second yr, all the classes I had attended were for the third yr... n no one blacklists the CR; so I got away scot free. Moreoever, no attendance in third yr, after a yr's break from academics almost prevented me from giving the finals! Only a sport cert helped out. And that was the only time my dad ever felt good that I spent so much time on the ground. | ||
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| guessboy December 4, 2003 11:58 PM PST reminds me of my college days... we used to be a lil different... we used to pay the attendance clerk directly... btw are you from chennai??? | ||
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| Jill December 4, 2003 11:52 PM PST *told me* | ||
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| Jill December 4, 2003 11:52 PM PST *of how* | ||
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| Jill December 4, 2003 11:45 PM PST WHOA!!! That reminds me how how I went to the telephone booth, called my princie, and said "Hello this is Jill's mother speaking... Blah blah blah!" when those pigheads told I wouldnt be allowed to sit for the exam if my parents didnt call up. All this for a bloody 75% attendance! What rubbish! But I enjoyed it completely! Hehe! I derive "con-womanistic" pleasure out of all this! I only wonder why there isnt such a doc around this place... Will have to find out today! Will need him next semester... :D Nice post btw! I laughed, but no LOLs this time.. Happy? Just a *mmmmuah*... I hope you are bugged completely now! MWAHAHAHA!!!>:) | ||
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| AmitL December 4, 2003 11:36 PM PST Twin, (Oops,must add:LOL)good to hear u had a messiah who gave u and Distirani the medical certificates so easily.:) Did u ever attend any classes after this,or,did u get a yearlong chronic bronchitis or something certificate from the good Dr. Shomu?Knowing u,I believe the last one must be the correct answer.And,what'd u finally graduate in??Medical certification,for one.............Just joking,answer if u want to. | ||
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| Patrix December 4, 2003 11:22 PM PST u sure chhota(i) alpha won't need his help??? don't expect him/her to be raja/rani harishchandra... | ||
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| Krithika December 4, 2003 10:37 PM PST But I wish there was a doc like Shamu. The doctors around here seem to be the older versions of your good ol' Nerdy Neelu. | ||
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| Krithika December 4, 2003 10:36 PM PST Alpha, you should have had a chemisrty prof like ours. He'll come to class, go on with his usual blah, blah, blahs and exactly two seconds before leaving the class, he'll pose a question, 'Is everyone present?' in an off-hand way and just rush out of the class. But hey 'Don't jinx me with so that I'll have a rotten prof next sem'. | ||
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| alpha December 4, 2003 08:26 PM PST Patrix::) Why wud I care abt future generations? Speed: Wow! Thats so cool. Would that be S, N or the tut tutter? Commission? Yeah that cud be it! I knew Crabby had a some fringe benefits other than just annoying me. | ||
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| tut tutter December 4, 2003 07:40 PM PST tut tut tut... Alphu baby, pozhi solla koodathu Alphu tut tut tut... | ||
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| speed December 4, 2003 06:28 PM PST Girl ur hilarious! Guess what?! My ex-bf is hooked to ur blog. Was just telling me today :) U think the profs took some commission from Dr. Shamu?! | ||
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| Patrix December 4, 2003 05:14 PM PST Oh yeah! I nearly forgot..bargaining in a doctor offering fake certificates is cheap. Damn..must ask Shamu to hike his charges...:) | ||
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| alpha December 4, 2003 04:55 PM PST Patrix: I do hope you feel you have a better future than being a middle man to Shamu. You see he wasnt exactly the richest guy in town. But hey, that option is always there. Forget abt the exam. Group discounts?? what, you bargain in a doctors office kya? how cheap is that? I was happy I didnt have to involve my family- thats it. | ||
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| Patrix December 4, 2003 04:16 PM PST I guess the Ethics course is not only required at the IIMs (or other business schools)...the medicos need it too...raag-ranta apart, I wonder if Shamu offers a group discount..why not act as the middleman(woman) and offer free home delivery for the excuse letter?? profitable business, eh? | ||
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| star December 4, 2003 01:29 PM PST Loling karna chod aur seekh .... look at him and kuch seekh .... I bet you anything he didnt waste time on the internet like you. No wonder you didnt end up a Doctor!! | ||
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| alpha December 4, 2003 01:07 PM PST btw, I forgot- Lol to the first part of ur comment. seriously man, i dont think he had regular patients. | ||
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| alpha December 4, 2003 01:00 PM PST Star: Bladder problem doesnt give a reason enough to miss chemistry. And I am not sure if Dr.Pai kept a tab on everyone's problems. he made up stuff. I guess he had a crystal ball (fake one). | ||
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| star December 4, 2003 12:56 PM PST That other class was "Economics: How to use market demand to create a successful niche." Your Dr. Shamu Pai must have definitely taken that class. Why did Shamu say you had bronchitis? Are you telling us your bladder problems were not known through out the state? | ||
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