Pieces of the Puzzle

On a friend’s high recommendation, I walked into Ayush Ayurvedic Science Center for a massage while in Madras. With a name like that, I was sure nothing could go wrong. (You see, I am a little wary of these places for weird reasons) A petite Mallu babe welcomed me in hushed tones. Instantly lowering my voice and walking in tiptoes, I could hear faint mantras playing in the background in a mystic way. I was served herbal tea and made to read some books on yoga while I waited for my massage. It seemed a little too serene for my liking, but hey! it was supposed to be therapeutic.. so I dealt with it. But I still uneasily looked around at the impressive display of different herbal oils and balms.

Another Mallu with large mole on her cheek asked me to follow her. Aaaha! The moment had arrived. I was going to get a soothing massage I deserved. I could already feel my muscles aching for the masseuse’s magic to relax them. I was ushered to a room which was sparsely furnished with a wooden bed and a dressing table. There was a bathroom attached and an open window. ‘OK, remove your clothes’ Mallu Mole ordered.

‘What???’ I was slightly shocked. Not that I didn’t expect this part, but seriously, No introductions or making you feel comfortable and shit? Just straight to business? Eerie Man!

‘Ok yeah, Can I have the robe? Can I use the bathroom to change?’

‘What robe? Here, you can put this on, if you want.’ She handed me a strip of white cloth 3X50 inches long while she prepared herself for the deal. She pulled her saree up like a mini skirt and secured it tightly with a rope. Then she donned an apron. She looked like a warrior about to mount a horse and scream,"Aakraman!!'

‘No Robe? Where’s the blanket under which you could just place your hands and massage my back gingerly? At least could you turns the lights off?’ I stared at the measly piece of cloth and thought maybe I should retreat.

‘Is this your first time? Here let me help you.’

Aiyoo Ayyappa Swami! I winced and jumped back, startled. Eventually, I agreed to comply and shed my inhibitions along with my modesty. I looked at the window suspiciously and looked around for hidden cameras. This was very freaky and sidey at the same time. Only if I had been warned. But my friends seemed to have enjoyed this deal. Ok what the heck, I better learn to be comfortable with my body.. going by the plumpish customer that walked away just when I entered, I am sure Mallu Mole wasn’t going to roll on the floor laughing at my paunch. I stripped but kept some essential garments on. She was exasperated at this point, I could see.

I am embarrassed to admit here that I undressed completely for a total stranger and didn’t get a penny! She helped me with the cloth to cover whatever dignity I had left. I couldn’t see the point of that cloth.. but at that moment, I was numb.

I was looking at the exit route. If I had to run out of this place without any clothes on, how much more humiliation was that going to cost me? Well, she’s kinda puny. Maybe I could whack her with the huge lamp, if need arose.

I lay vulnerably on the really uncomfortable wooden bed while she performed a small prayer and applied warm oil from head to toe and everywhere in-between and started to execute the best massage I have ever had. I was a little stiff at first, but I later eased up when I realized that I wasn’t going to get molested. She was very professional and gifted that at one point, I got a bit too comfortable and I let out a sigh.. or maybe it was a loud moan *yikes*. Not the 'oohhh-yess-baby' kind, but the 'Aaah-great' kind. She stopped the rubbing at once,'what happened?’ she asked curtly. ‘er… nothing nothing. You are a very good masseuse’, I confessed. She smiled and when she realized I wasn’t going to rape her, she became a little talkative, ’So where are you from?’

I refuse to have conversations when I am feeling like a naked worm slithering in slush. Yes, the amount of oil on my body that day was more than I had used in my entire lifetime. I could have fried papads for the whole year and used the left over for tadka.

But like I said the whole experience was very de-stressing after I had gotten over my initial apprehension. Her fingers did magic and I actually felt bad when she was done with all the twists and kneads. Next I was locked in a sauna for 15 minutes. Wah wah! This was great. I could feel my skin rejuvenating and breathing till I myself could breathe no more with all the steam and sweat enveloping me in a 4X4 hot room. Wonder why Finland is so crazy about these suffocating heat chambers. This is how Hannibal Lecter's victims might have felt before getting slaughtered. I banged on the door to be let out.

Thank Heavens! Mallu Mole rescued me and then led me to the bathroom. I thought, Ok.. I will clean myself of all this oil and leave now. But she insisted on bathing me. Fine fine..what more? I felt like a princess from the 12^th century. I was bathed and shampooed and bengal-gramed. Also dried. It was worth more than what they charged me for all this considering they swindle 50 dollars from you in this country for a foot massage.

I was let to put on my clothes (phew!). But now I felt rather at ease with her. So I took my time and asked her name. I need to at least find out her name when I come again. I didn’t want to go through the same awkward introduction process with another person. Also next time I could tell her to remove the excess oil in my crack while bathing me.